So... yeah... I want to apologize to the world for existing. I know I'm not really good at anything significant and that most people just look right through me. (for those of you who don't, you are more precious to me than anything in the entire universe. Thank you for putting up with me.) I mean come on... not even my parents want me anymore. That simple little realization has made me question why anyone wants anything to do with me in the first place.
Background:
Mom and I were at the optometrist this past Wednesday to order my contacts. It turns out that I only paid for about 3/4ths of my contacts, and I wanted to ask the receptionist about the bill. LOTS of people do this, right? So after I say that mom's all "No don't bother them I'll explain it to you when we get home." Well, considering the fact that mom gets confused when looking at receipts all the time, I ask anyway. and then of course she gets pissy. So then the eye doctor comes in and is talking to us, and I'm trying to crack a joke. Mom keeps interrupting me, and making me start over. Eventually she's just all "SASHA SHUSH!" and I vow not to speak until spoken to for the rest of the evening.
So mom begins bitching at me because the joke was "inappropriate" (no, no it wasn't. it was a joke about my dad and using a chocolate covered cherry as a reward for keeping his eyes open at the doctor.) and how i interrupted HER on several occasions just to tell the joke multiple times. No, I didn't interrupt her. SHE kept on interrupting ME.
So I get mad enough while we're in the car going to target (which is LESS THAN a five minute drive, I might add) that when mom stops the car and parks it, I get out, close the door, and start walking toward the building. It was either that or slap her while saying extremely rude and mean things to her. I was exercising self control. She thought I had an "attitude problem" (Well who wouldn't after being bitched at constantly for something that isn't really your fault?) and threatened to leave me there. I just smirked and said "I would prefer you not leave me here." and then she keeps bitching about how I'm an ungrateful little brat that thinks that they owe me my father's entire paycheck. and then on the way home I find out that they've been thinking about kicking me out for the past few months, and that if I didn't "straighten up" that I'd be kicked out THAT NIGHT.
Gee, thanks for letting me know that you both can't stand your daughter when she's being herself! I'll have to keep that in mind at any and all important life-events in my future. I'll also have to devise the most plain, simple, boring, ugly mask that I can possibly think of and wear it around you ALL THE TIME. because apparently that's how you want to see me, mom and dad! This physically ugly, boring, nobody person who doesn't have any opinion on anything what so ever and is extremely thankful for all the abuse she gets.
WELL GUESS WHAT?! That's not me!! I do not want to sit here every day, bend over, and take it up the ass every single time one of you are having a bad day! Because that's what it feels like!
It got bad enough that night when I came home from an unsuccessful attempt at selling jewelry that I went, crying, over to my neighbor-and-safe-haven. She's saying I should just go homeless (aka move into a homeless shelter) so I can get the help I need getting back on my feet. They'd give me the psychological help I need, help me find a job, and keep my parents as far away from me as humanly possible. They wouldn't know where I was! I like the sound of that last part.
What I don't like, however, is leaving all my stuff behind. I imagine I'll only be allowed to take a few pairs of clothes and shoes. So, no computer, no privacy, no freedom because I can't come and go as I please.
This is sad - I would rather keep what little freedom I have and stay in this abusive environment where I am forced to become somebody I'm not than be myself and get the help I desperately need.
I absolutely loathe my own mother. She keeps saying how it's "sad" that we can't do anything together because of "my attitude" ... I think she needs to look in a mirror. She doesn't know how many times I've cried myself to sleep or just run away to go cry at walmart or McDonnald's just because I don't want to see her sneering face and hear her voice putting me down (Though, after this episode, I constantly hear her in the back of my head, cutting me down and telling me how worthless I really am.) She even called me stupid and other degrading names while we were out that day! Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I'm this close to just... breaking. completely. I already realize that I am mentally broken. She is fixing to break my emotions, and after that follows my physical well-being.
Even today, I asked about I request I made. She goes off on me, saying that she didn't have enough time to go get it, and I should be thankful for what I have, and blah blah blah. I start saying "I'm sorry" over and over again, and then when she's done she says "This is what I mean by an attitude problem." I'm sorry, what? How is being mentally broken enough to say that you're sorry over one simple request an attitude problem? So I asked, and dad came back with "It's your tone of voice that tells us you have an attitude problem." I'm sorry, what? did I hear that correctly? So, if I even deflect my voice wrong, I have an attitude problem? I think both of them need to get their eyes checked, because if they would have LOOKED at me, right in the face, or even the rest of my body language, they would have realized that no, I did not have an attitude problem, instead I have a mental problem because of mom's nearly constant belittling and dad's lack of ability to stand up for me.
Because let's face it - if I stand up for myself, it makes the entire situation worse. If I just sit and take the abuse, no matter how much it hurts, it drags out longer but it won't hurt MORE in the long run. Because, if I just stay silent, the torture doesn't get worse but it takes longer. if I say something in my defense, the torture gets shorter but the intensity of the attacks hurt more. They get more vicious and cutting. (my parents have this THING where if I don't say anything, they keep repeating themselves because they think I didn't hear them or haven't paid attention. I'm sorry, but what part of BROKE don't you understand? I'm so poor I can't even pay attention, let alone rent away from these jerk-offs!) I'm tempted to say "mom, please stop with the cutting remarks. If you REALLY want to see me hurt, I'll cut MYSELF. Is that acceptable?" I know that won't shut her up or make her sorry for her actions, but I'm hoping if I say that she'll realize that yes, I do think about it, yes, it is very tempting, and yes, I really do need the help that I've been asking for since 2008...
It is so tempting to just watch myself bleed. I found a cut on my leg that I had unintentionally gotten recently, picked the scab, and just watched it bleed. it was beautiful to see that ruby red liquid bubble up around the cut. Part of me wishes there were more pain involved, but another part of me is grateful that there wasn't. I sort of want pain... a lot... right now. even though my parents just left for a vacation to florida without me, giving me the entire house to myself, I still want to see myself bleed. I half-want to feel physical pain. But here's the kicker, and why I haven't been shoved into a therapist's office yet: I don't have the guts to go through with it. Some INSANE part of me keeps hoping that this will get better. That Loki and I are actually going to get to move out of our old environments and create a new, loving one together. That at some point, I'll actually be ABLE to have children of my own. That eventually I'll not feel like a freak of nature, and be able to laugh at my parents the way they've been laughing at me for the past 24 and 1/2 years... that at some point karma will kick their ever loving ASSES and they'll feel every single molecule of pain that they've caused me.
I want all of those things so badly I can not only taste them, but I can smell and touch them too. I just wish I could see and actually experience them in something other than my dreams.
Well, I'm going to go force myself to eat something, though I don't really want to. (Nothing sounds good, and I can hear my mother's voice screaming at me that I'm not worth any of the food they bought with dad's hard-earned money.) I hope everyone who reads this has a wonderfully blessed day, and can eventually forget about all of the unpleasantness contained within this post.
Just because I suffer, does not mean you have to witness it.
Blessed Be,
SNT
Listening: Avril Lavigne, Nobody's Home and Christina Agulera's Voice Within (I only wish I could believe this last one...)
Eating: Scalloped Potatoes and ham
Drinking: Diet Coke
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Stuffs.
So it occurs to me that I haven't updated in a while.
SO UPDATE! RAAAWR! Anyway... >.>
Well I'm rather angry. I was supposed to clean a man's house for him once a week starting two weeks ago, but he up and moved without even telling me... and the first time I went over in order to clean his place he was all "oh me and the kids are going out of town so now isn't a good time." I was tempted to hiss at him!
But, other than that and the obvious money crunch, my life has been rather peaceful lately. (hence the lack of updates for a while...) Loki and I are doing rather well, I think, even though we don't see each other as often as we'd like... My parents are mostly happy with me, so that makes things go smoother than expected... My room is very nearly to par (HOLYCRAPTHEROOM - IT"S CLEEEEAAAAN!!!) with very little if any messiness or foolishness involved. ^_^ I even managed to get my iPod the way I want it now, mostly! (I need to listen to a crapton of podcasts and the like before I get it to where I really want it, but that's ok.)
My quality of life is slowly but surely going up... and it started when I met Loki! <3 He got me to calm down and look at things, I mean REALLY look at things, and see them the way they are... and to realize some of my faults, and work on them. I can honestly say that I am becoming a better person because of Loki. <3
I swear fairies must be moving in or something because I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year! I'll post the things that I've noticed and figured out in my BoS.
OH AND BOOKS!! I've gotten back into reading!! That's something else Loki's drawn me back to, and I'm quite happy for it. ^^ He let me borrow this one book by James Patterson, "Roses are Red" ... and it's amazing! I can't quit thinking about it! The conclusion at the end was just... WOW! You HAVE to read this book if you're into mystery/thrillers even in the slightest, because it will float your boat, tickle your pickle, and physically SHOW YOU that it is, indeed, 'all that and a bag of chips.' ... and that's saying something for a book!! The other one I've read recently is by the same author and is titled "Witch and Wizard," and it's just as good as "Roses are Red" ... There's only one downer to both of these books: they are both part one in a two-part series. The second one to roses are red is, yep, you guessed it, "Violets are Blue." Not sure what the second part to "Witch and Wizard" is, but if any of you can find out it'd be most appreciated!! You would get much purrs from me!
Oh, I'm going to be at a wine tasting in my area. for those of you who know me and know where I live, get with me if you want to go and we'll meet someplace for drinks and merriment and lulz! I could use a good drink. xD
To tell you about how I feel at the moment, listen to the music I've linked below.
Blessed Be,
SNT
Listening: Waterflame, -Glorious Morning-
Drinking: Diet V8 juice - berry blend
SO UPDATE! RAAAWR! Anyway... >.>
Well I'm rather angry. I was supposed to clean a man's house for him once a week starting two weeks ago, but he up and moved without even telling me... and the first time I went over in order to clean his place he was all "oh me and the kids are going out of town so now isn't a good time." I was tempted to hiss at him!
But, other than that and the obvious money crunch, my life has been rather peaceful lately. (hence the lack of updates for a while...) Loki and I are doing rather well, I think, even though we don't see each other as often as we'd like... My parents are mostly happy with me, so that makes things go smoother than expected... My room is very nearly to par (HOLYCRAPTHEROOM - IT"S CLEEEEAAAAN!!!) with very little if any messiness or foolishness involved. ^_^ I even managed to get my iPod the way I want it now, mostly! (I need to listen to a crapton of podcasts and the like before I get it to where I really want it, but that's ok.)
My quality of life is slowly but surely going up... and it started when I met Loki! <3 He got me to calm down and look at things, I mean REALLY look at things, and see them the way they are... and to realize some of my faults, and work on them. I can honestly say that I am becoming a better person because of Loki. <3
I swear fairies must be moving in or something because I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year! I'll post the things that I've noticed and figured out in my BoS.
OH AND BOOKS!! I've gotten back into reading!! That's something else Loki's drawn me back to, and I'm quite happy for it. ^^ He let me borrow this one book by James Patterson, "Roses are Red" ... and it's amazing! I can't quit thinking about it! The conclusion at the end was just... WOW! You HAVE to read this book if you're into mystery/thrillers even in the slightest, because it will float your boat, tickle your pickle, and physically SHOW YOU that it is, indeed, 'all that and a bag of chips.' ... and that's saying something for a book!! The other one I've read recently is by the same author and is titled "Witch and Wizard," and it's just as good as "Roses are Red" ... There's only one downer to both of these books: they are both part one in a two-part series. The second one to roses are red is, yep, you guessed it, "Violets are Blue." Not sure what the second part to "Witch and Wizard" is, but if any of you can find out it'd be most appreciated!! You would get much purrs from me!
Oh, I'm going to be at a wine tasting in my area. for those of you who know me and know where I live, get with me if you want to go and we'll meet someplace for drinks and merriment and lulz! I could use a good drink. xD
To tell you about how I feel at the moment, listen to the music I've linked below.
Blessed Be,
SNT
Listening: Waterflame, -Glorious Morning-
Drinking: Diet V8 juice - berry blend
Friday, June 3, 2011
WTH. Seriously, love isn't that complicated.
%screams%
What the hell is up with these so called "elders" I'm supposed to respect? SERIOUSLY! I'm at least 30 years younger than they are, with my youngest "elder" being 55, and neither of them can understand the love I have for Loki.
My maternal parental unit cornered me today and started asking me how long I was going to wait for Loki. I said "as long as it takes." She was all "And what if you're waiting until you die?" and she acted all pissed when I said "then so be it." WHAT?! just because she doesn't understand something doesn't mean it is the devil!!
More in depth: Loki has some issues which I am not at liberty to discuss. But she was referring to fixing said issues. The woman is OBSESSED with it, as if he's somehow not whole or not acceptable as he is. She didn't think that way previous, or even after he went through his tiny slice of "hell"... this is quite recent. As in, this is the first piece of negativity she's thrown at me since I've even met the man. @_@
She's all "It could take five, ten, fifteen years, or even the rest of his life to get those things fixed! How long are you going to wait for him?" and, as I said, my response was "as long as it takes. I'm willing to support him as much as he needs, step back when he needs it, and do what I can to aid him when he wants it." Her response to that was "I just want to know how long it's going to be before you go on to the next one."
WHAT?! NEXT ONE?!?! She's lucky didn't slap her, elder or not. He IS the one! I don't want, nor do need, anybody else. She can't understand that because in my past, at one point, I went through boys like I currently go through M+M's... mostly because they were all jerkwads or abusive at some point... or I fell out of love with them. It's like... Why string somebody on, you know? That's just cruel! I would rather break it off sooner than later because the person will get more and more attached to you as time goes on. BUT, that is irreverent here.
My point is, I know I won't need or want anyone else in my life romantically. Loki is IT. I know this because I haven't felt like this in my entire 24 short years of life... and though I am still rather young I have seen quite a bit by the way of relationships. I think I know what I'm talking about.
ANYWAY! I told her "I'm not going to the next one. He IS THE ONE. I don't want anybody else." and she was all "So, you're ok with not getting married for the rest of your life if that's what he needs?' and I said "that's right. Granted, it would be nice to get married, but I'm not about to leave him over something so petty, and I'm certainly not going to let it ruin our lives... or our future life together." she then got all mad and was like, "well what if I want you to get married? What if I don't want to see you in pain because he can't give you what you want?" and i was very tempted to say "well, tough shit then, lady" but luckily I've gotten craptons better at holding my tongue.
I just said "Well, it's my choice, not yours. He and I are perfectly ok living together for the rest of our lives without ever getting married at all. I'm not going to get hurt... He wouldn't intentionally hurt me. He'd take the pain himself if he could, just so I wouldn't have to suffer. Not many people can say that and know it's true in their hearts 100%. And he has the same from me. I'd gladly take any suffering he's going through on my shoulders if I could help it. ANOTHER thing - I can honestly say that I know for a FACT that he goes to bed each night thinking of me. Even FEWER can say that about their man. I'm not about to give this up just because the road ahead of him is a little rocky." Then she got all pissed, threw up her hands and was like, "Ok then."
The bitch even had me crying, just by asking questions!! There were more but I've forgotten some of them because I've been preparing for an outing tomorrow and trying to calm myself down so I didn't shove my keyboard through my monitor. @u@ WTH?! how did she learn to become such a demon in human clothing?! %growl% I'm just glad that I was able to get hold of Loki before now so I could calm down and tell him a little bit about it before I went to bed... else I would have been having nightmares.
... Y'know what, I even have lyrics running through my head for this situation... sung by me, aimed at Loki. They're at the bottom of this post... It's from Moulin Rouge, but that doesn't do anything to the authenticity behind the intent! And if ANY OF YOU AT ALL doubt how I feel for him... click the link I've put to the song, and listen VERY, VERY HARD to the lyrics. Both male and female. Every single word sung, my heart sings to him. So doubters, nay-sayers, and people who are just plain jealous... STFU, GTFO and various other pieces of colorful internet lingo. xD
I mean, how should I have handled that situation with my maternal parental unit? Did I do it right? How would you have reacted? Is she just in her worries? You all obviously know my opinion of her opinion (hint: it involves a very rusty monkey wrench in some very unsavory places...) but I also want to know yours. And, if you do listen to the song, if you can actually say with 100% honesty that you mean every single word of that toward another human being... isn't that true love? How do YOU define true love?
Thanks for your thoughts, opinions, and positive energies. It seems that both sets of parents have turned against the opposite kid (mine against him, etc) and we're probably going to need some ideas on how to smooth things over. I'm not at liberty to discuss why his parents hate -me- right now, especially since 1) it's not my story to tell, and 2) I should have been in bed yesterday. LITERALLY.
Blessed be,
SNT
Listening: The Fatal Beauty chattering in my ear (Love you sis!)
Eating: AIR NOM NOM NOM!
Drinking: Water
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Loki... This is from me to you. And I mean every single word, male or female singing. I love you baby! <3
"Come what may,
Come what may,
I will love you,
until my dying day!"
~ Moulin Rouge, Come What May
What the hell is up with these so called "elders" I'm supposed to respect? SERIOUSLY! I'm at least 30 years younger than they are, with my youngest "elder" being 55, and neither of them can understand the love I have for Loki.
My maternal parental unit cornered me today and started asking me how long I was going to wait for Loki. I said "as long as it takes." She was all "And what if you're waiting until you die?" and she acted all pissed when I said "then so be it." WHAT?! just because she doesn't understand something doesn't mean it is the devil!!
More in depth: Loki has some issues which I am not at liberty to discuss. But she was referring to fixing said issues. The woman is OBSESSED with it, as if he's somehow not whole or not acceptable as he is. She didn't think that way previous, or even after he went through his tiny slice of "hell"... this is quite recent. As in, this is the first piece of negativity she's thrown at me since I've even met the man. @_@
She's all "It could take five, ten, fifteen years, or even the rest of his life to get those things fixed! How long are you going to wait for him?" and, as I said, my response was "as long as it takes. I'm willing to support him as much as he needs, step back when he needs it, and do what I can to aid him when he wants it." Her response to that was "I just want to know how long it's going to be before you go on to the next one."
WHAT?! NEXT ONE?!?! She's lucky didn't slap her, elder or not. He IS the one! I don't want, nor do need, anybody else. She can't understand that because in my past, at one point, I went through boys like I currently go through M+M's... mostly because they were all jerkwads or abusive at some point... or I fell out of love with them. It's like... Why string somebody on, you know? That's just cruel! I would rather break it off sooner than later because the person will get more and more attached to you as time goes on. BUT, that is irreverent here.
My point is, I know I won't need or want anyone else in my life romantically. Loki is IT. I know this because I haven't felt like this in my entire 24 short years of life... and though I am still rather young I have seen quite a bit by the way of relationships. I think I know what I'm talking about.
ANYWAY! I told her "I'm not going to the next one. He IS THE ONE. I don't want anybody else." and she was all "So, you're ok with not getting married for the rest of your life if that's what he needs?' and I said "that's right. Granted, it would be nice to get married, but I'm not about to leave him over something so petty, and I'm certainly not going to let it ruin our lives... or our future life together." she then got all mad and was like, "well what if I want you to get married? What if I don't want to see you in pain because he can't give you what you want?" and i was very tempted to say "well, tough shit then, lady" but luckily I've gotten craptons better at holding my tongue.
I just said "Well, it's my choice, not yours. He and I are perfectly ok living together for the rest of our lives without ever getting married at all. I'm not going to get hurt... He wouldn't intentionally hurt me. He'd take the pain himself if he could, just so I wouldn't have to suffer. Not many people can say that and know it's true in their hearts 100%. And he has the same from me. I'd gladly take any suffering he's going through on my shoulders if I could help it. ANOTHER thing - I can honestly say that I know for a FACT that he goes to bed each night thinking of me. Even FEWER can say that about their man. I'm not about to give this up just because the road ahead of him is a little rocky." Then she got all pissed, threw up her hands and was like, "Ok then."
The bitch even had me crying, just by asking questions!! There were more but I've forgotten some of them because I've been preparing for an outing tomorrow and trying to calm myself down so I didn't shove my keyboard through my monitor. @u@ WTH?! how did she learn to become such a demon in human clothing?! %growl% I'm just glad that I was able to get hold of Loki before now so I could calm down and tell him a little bit about it before I went to bed... else I would have been having nightmares.
... Y'know what, I even have lyrics running through my head for this situation... sung by me, aimed at Loki. They're at the bottom of this post... It's from Moulin Rouge, but that doesn't do anything to the authenticity behind the intent! And if ANY OF YOU AT ALL doubt how I feel for him... click the link I've put to the song, and listen VERY, VERY HARD to the lyrics. Both male and female. Every single word sung, my heart sings to him. So doubters, nay-sayers, and people who are just plain jealous... STFU, GTFO and various other pieces of colorful internet lingo. xD
I mean, how should I have handled that situation with my maternal parental unit? Did I do it right? How would you have reacted? Is she just in her worries? You all obviously know my opinion of her opinion (hint: it involves a very rusty monkey wrench in some very unsavory places...) but I also want to know yours. And, if you do listen to the song, if you can actually say with 100% honesty that you mean every single word of that toward another human being... isn't that true love? How do YOU define true love?
Thanks for your thoughts, opinions, and positive energies. It seems that both sets of parents have turned against the opposite kid (mine against him, etc) and we're probably going to need some ideas on how to smooth things over. I'm not at liberty to discuss why his parents hate -me- right now, especially since 1) it's not my story to tell, and 2) I should have been in bed yesterday. LITERALLY.
Blessed be,
SNT
Listening: The Fatal Beauty chattering in my ear (Love you sis!)
Eating: AIR NOM NOM NOM!
Drinking: Water
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Loki... This is from me to you. And I mean every single word, male or female singing. I love you baby! <3
"Come what may,
Come what may,
I will love you,
until my dying day!"
~ Moulin Rouge, Come What May
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)