New sensation

I have come to a realization... a very interesting one, involving me and Loki.

It is very different to have your heart walking around outside your body.

He doesn't have my heart... or a key to it... he IS my heart! That's why I feel so alive when I'm around him. I can't think of any other way to describe it... to have someone that means the world right beside you, loving you for who you are and not what you can give... wow. Song lyrics come to mind: "OOh, heaven is a place on earth!" ... and for me, it's in his arms. Even when he leaves... he leaves me glowing. Not just simply happy... GLOWING. (Read: on cloud nine, etc) ... I can still feel his fingers on my skin, running down my arm slowly. I can only describe this as the afterglow you get when you turn off an incandescent light bulb. You know what I"m talking about... the bulb glows for about a minute or two after it's turned off. Yeah, that.


Have you ever felt that you really didn't belong? Like you didn't know what you were meant to do on this Earth, or like this wasn't your home? I know I have. Loki... he fixes that for me without trying. I'm not even certain if I communicated exactly how that felt before he and I became one... Though I'm fairly certain he knows exactly how that feels. I now feel like I know what I'm supposed to do here... like I have a place here. My purpose is to give him all of my love, and my place is beside him. Not behind... not in front of... beside. With some of my ex's I felt dirty... like nothing was really right. With Loki I feel clean, pure even. I felt something for all my ex's at the time I dated them, sure. (No, I don't lead people on like that... I can be cruel at times, but I'm not heartless.) Affection, maybe... the beginnings of love, possibly. but not full-on love. not like this.The depth of this emotion is unfathomable... infinite, it seems. It is the most pleasant and addictive sensation of drowning I have ever experienced. - and I willingly admit to being addicted! I just keep wanting to be pulled in deeper and be swept away by the pure elation and joy. Never before has anything been so special or dear to my heart.

I see how the authors of romance novels get their inspiration. It's love like this. You can tell when you read them that they've at least felt it before, even if they're not living it now. They poured a lot of their own emotions into words to bring the rest of the world a story that mimics what they feel... and at the end of the day, they get to go back to that special someone and feel that way all over again!

Some of you who know me personally will know that sometimes, I can't even see myself waking up the next morning, let alone where I'm going to be in five years time. So, you will all know how huge it is when I say... I can see eternity in his eyes when he looks into mine.

My place is here. My time is now. This is my life to live, and I can only live this timeline once. There are no do-overs... no save points or extra lives. There's not any boss-fights and more than likely I'll never have to use any sort of weapon except my own cunning and wit against anyone. However, this has got to be by FAR, the most exciting and tear-jerking ride I have ever been on. The only thing I am deathly afraid of now is somehow loosing Loki... be it to someone else or my own stupidity. (Even spiders seem less frightening!) My greatest joy is a tie between kissing him, talking to him, and looking into his eyes. Everything else... sometimes it can come close, such as when I immerse myself in my writing or when I'm babysitting for one of my two favorite families... but it never tops what I just described here. How can anything, really? They're not Loki, and never will be. Truly, nothing and no one could even come close to replacing him. Ever.

Eternity? Pfft, I am no longer afraid. BRING IT!

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: Belinda Carlisle - "Heaven is a place on earth"
Eating: Subway, soon!
Drinking: Tea, probably.

Stuff.

So I'm very thankful for the friends that I have. They've gotten me through quite a lot and are still there for me... at least, the ones who matter are. You people know who you are.

I've started back up on my books. I have a new portable hard drive so I can take them (and my entire music/video collection, as well as some games) with me wherever I go should I choose to do so. I was supposed to have an interview yesterday, but that got scrapped because I couldn't find the house I was supposed to go to... I"m going to go looking for jobs again and hope and pray that I can actually get hired on someplace. I'm also going to look for some things to get my podcast back on-track (since I haven't updated it in for fucking EVAR [due to the fact that I desperately need to change the layout of it and come up with more relevant content...] and it just stagnated.) Also, I'm thinking about going to school and/or starting some sort of self-study regimen.

I've also officially decided that I want to be a psychologist. Programmer is nice, but unless I start over entirely it's pretty much a dead-end for me at this point. It's something I'd REALLY love to do, but I don't want to have to scrap everything I have already done, all that progress, all that fucking DEBT, just so I can get a higher degree in the same fucking thing. I mean c'mon, who really wants to do things all the way over again unless they have to on something major like that?

Anyway. I'ma post this, re-read it a few hundred times, and then start creating laundry lists of things to do.

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: techno from Newgrounds.com
Eating: icecream (tiny tiny amounts thereof)
Drinking: coffee!!!

what?

So... yeah... I want to apologize to the world for existing. I know I'm not really good at anything significant and that most people just look right through me. (for those of you who don't, you are more precious to me than anything in the entire universe. Thank you for putting up with me.) I mean come on... not even my parents want me anymore. That simple little realization has made me question why anyone wants anything to do with me in the first place.

Background:

Mom and I were at the optometrist this past Wednesday to order my contacts. It turns out that I only paid for about 3/4ths of my contacts, and I wanted to ask the receptionist about the bill. LOTS of people do this, right? So after I say that mom's all "No don't bother them I'll explain it to you when we get home." Well, considering the fact that mom gets confused when looking at receipts all the time, I ask anyway. and then of course she gets pissy. So then the eye doctor comes in and is talking to us, and I'm trying to crack a joke. Mom keeps interrupting me, and making me start over. Eventually she's just all "SASHA SHUSH!" and I vow not to speak until spoken to for the rest of the evening.

So mom begins bitching at me because the joke was "inappropriate" (no, no it wasn't. it was a joke about my dad and using a chocolate covered cherry as a reward for keeping his eyes open at the doctor.) and how i interrupted HER on several occasions just to tell the joke multiple times. No, I didn't interrupt her. SHE kept on interrupting ME.

So I get mad enough while we're in the car going to target (which is LESS THAN a five minute drive, I might add) that when mom stops the car and parks it, I get out, close the door, and start walking toward the building. It was either that or slap her while saying extremely rude and mean things to her. I was exercising self control. She thought I had an "attitude problem" (Well who wouldn't after being bitched at constantly for something that isn't really your fault?) and threatened to leave me there. I just smirked and said "I would prefer you not leave me here." and then she keeps bitching about how I'm an ungrateful little brat that thinks that they owe me my father's entire paycheck. and then on the way home I find out that they've been thinking about kicking me out for the past few months, and that if I didn't "straighten up" that I'd be kicked out THAT NIGHT.

Gee, thanks for letting me know that you both can't stand your daughter when she's being herself! I'll have to keep that in mind at any and all important life-events in my future. I'll also have to devise the most plain, simple, boring, ugly mask that I can possibly think of and wear it around you ALL THE TIME. because apparently that's how you want to see me, mom and dad! This physically ugly, boring, nobody person who doesn't have any opinion on anything what so ever and is extremely thankful for all the abuse she gets.

WELL GUESS WHAT?! That's not me!! I do not want to sit here every day, bend over, and take it up the ass every single time one of you are having a bad day! Because that's what it feels like!

It got bad enough that night when I came home from an unsuccessful attempt at selling jewelry that I went, crying, over to my neighbor-and-safe-haven. She's saying I should just go homeless (aka move into a homeless shelter) so I can get the help I need getting back on my feet. They'd give me the psychological help I need, help me find a job, and keep my parents as far away from me as humanly possible. They wouldn't know where I was! I like the sound of that last part.

What I don't like, however, is leaving all my stuff behind. I imagine I'll only be allowed to take a few pairs of clothes and shoes. So, no computer, no privacy, no freedom because I can't come and go as I please.

This is sad - I would rather keep what little freedom I have and stay in this abusive environment where I am forced to become somebody I'm not than be myself and get the help I desperately need.

I absolutely loathe my own mother. She keeps saying how it's "sad" that we can't do anything together because of "my attitude" ... I think she needs to look in a mirror. She doesn't know how many times I've cried myself to sleep or just run away to go cry at walmart or McDonnald's just because I don't want to see her sneering face and hear her voice putting me down (Though, after this episode, I constantly hear her in the back of my head, cutting me down and telling me how worthless I really am.) She even called me stupid and other degrading names while we were out that day! Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I'm this close to just... breaking. completely. I already realize that I am mentally broken. She is fixing to break my emotions, and after that follows my physical well-being.

Even today, I asked about I request I made. She goes off on me, saying that she didn't have enough time to go get it, and I should be thankful for what I have, and blah blah blah. I start saying "I'm sorry" over and over again, and then when she's done she says "This is what I mean by an attitude problem." I'm sorry, what? How is being mentally broken enough to say that you're sorry over one simple request an attitude problem? So I asked, and dad came back with "It's your tone of voice that tells us you have an attitude problem." I'm sorry, what? did I hear that correctly? So, if I even deflect my voice wrong, I have an attitude problem? I think both of them need to get their eyes checked, because if they would have LOOKED at me, right in the face, or even the rest of my body language, they would have realized that no, I did not have an attitude problem, instead I have a mental problem because of mom's nearly constant belittling and dad's lack of ability to stand up for me.

Because let's face it - if I stand up for myself, it makes the entire situation worse. If I just sit and take the abuse, no matter how much it hurts, it drags out longer but it won't hurt MORE in the long run. Because, if I just stay silent, the torture doesn't get worse but it takes longer. if I say something in my defense, the torture gets shorter but the intensity of the attacks hurt more. They get more vicious and cutting. (my parents have this THING where if I don't say anything, they keep repeating themselves because they think I didn't hear them or haven't paid attention. I'm sorry, but what part of BROKE don't you understand? I'm so poor I can't even pay attention, let alone rent away from these jerk-offs!) I'm tempted to say "mom, please stop with the cutting remarks. If you REALLY want to see me hurt, I'll cut MYSELF. Is that acceptable?" I know that won't shut her up or make her sorry for her actions, but I'm hoping if I say that she'll realize that yes, I do think about it,  yes, it is very tempting, and yes, I really do need the help that I've been asking for since 2008...

It is so tempting to just watch myself bleed. I found a cut on my leg that I had unintentionally gotten recently, picked the scab, and just watched it bleed. it was beautiful to see that ruby red liquid bubble up around the cut. Part of me wishes there were more pain involved, but another part of me is grateful that there wasn't. I sort of want pain... a lot... right now. even though my parents just left for a vacation to florida without me, giving me the entire house to myself, I still want to see myself bleed. I half-want to feel physical pain. But here's the kicker, and why I haven't been shoved into a therapist's office yet: I don't have the guts to go through with it. Some INSANE part of me keeps hoping that this will get better. That Loki and I are actually going to get to move out of our old environments and create a new, loving one together. That at some point, I'll actually be ABLE to have children of my own. That eventually I'll not feel like a freak of nature, and be able to laugh at my parents the way they've been laughing at me for the past 24 and 1/2 years... that at some point karma will kick their ever loving ASSES and they'll feel every single molecule of pain that they've caused me.

I want all of those things so badly I can not only taste them, but I can smell and touch them too. I just wish I could see and actually experience them in something other than my dreams.

Well, I'm going to go force myself to eat something, though I don't really want to. (Nothing sounds good, and I can hear my mother's voice screaming at me that I'm not worth any of the food they bought with dad's hard-earned money.) I hope everyone who reads this has a wonderfully blessed day, and can eventually forget about all of the unpleasantness contained within this post.

Just because I suffer, does not mean you have to witness it.

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: Avril Lavigne, Nobody's Home and Christina Agulera's Voice Within (I only wish I could believe this last one...)
Eating: Scalloped Potatoes and ham
Drinking: Diet Coke

Stuffs.

So it occurs to me that I haven't  updated in a while.

SO UPDATE! RAAAWR! Anyway... >.>

Well I'm rather angry. I was supposed to clean a man's house for him once a week starting two weeks ago, but he up and moved without even telling me... and the first time I went over in order to clean his place he was all "oh me and the kids are going out of town so now isn't a good time." I was tempted to hiss at him!

But, other than that and the obvious money crunch, my life has been rather peaceful lately. (hence the lack of updates for a while...) Loki and I are doing rather well, I think, even though we don't see each other as often as we'd like... My parents are mostly happy with me, so that makes things go smoother than expected... My room is very nearly to par (HOLYCRAPTHEROOM - IT"S CLEEEEAAAAN!!!) with very little if any messiness or foolishness involved. ^_^ I even managed to get my iPod the way I want it now, mostly! (I need to listen to a crapton of podcasts and the like before I get it to where I really want it, but that's ok.)

My quality of life is slowly but surely going up... and it started when I met Loki! <3 He got me to calm down and look at things, I mean REALLY look at things, and see them the way they are... and to realize some of my faults, and work on them. I can honestly say that I am becoming a better person because of Loki. <3

I swear fairies must be moving in or something because I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year! I'll post the things that I've noticed and figured out in my BoS.

OH AND BOOKS!! I've gotten back into reading!! That's something else Loki's drawn me back to, and I'm quite happy for it. ^^ He let me borrow this one book by James Patterson, "Roses are Red" ... and it's amazing! I can't quit thinking about it! The conclusion at the end was just... WOW! You HAVE to read this book if you're into mystery/thrillers even in the slightest, because it will float your boat, tickle your pickle, and physically SHOW YOU that it is, indeed, 'all that and a bag of chips.' ... and that's saying something for a book!! The other one I've read recently is by the same author and is titled "Witch and Wizard," and it's just as good as "Roses are Red" ... There's only one downer to both of these books: they are both part one in a two-part series. The second one to roses are red is, yep, you guessed it, "Violets are Blue." Not sure what the second part to "Witch and Wizard" is, but if any of you can find out it'd be most appreciated!! You would get much purrs from me!

Oh, I'm going to be at a wine tasting in my area. for those of you who know me and know where I live, get with me if you want to go and we'll meet someplace for drinks and merriment and lulz! I could use a good drink. xD

To tell you about how I feel at the moment, listen to the music I've linked below.

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: Waterflame, -Glorious Morning-
Drinking: Diet V8 juice - berry blend

WTH. Seriously, love isn't that complicated.

%screams%

What the hell is up with these so called "elders" I'm supposed to respect? SERIOUSLY! I'm at least 30 years younger than they are, with my youngest "elder" being 55, and neither of them can understand the love I have for Loki.

My maternal parental unit cornered me today and started asking me how long I was going to wait for Loki. I said "as long as it takes."  She was all "And what if you're waiting until you die?" and she acted all pissed when I said "then so be it." WHAT?! just because she doesn't understand something doesn't mean it is the devil!!

More in depth: Loki has some issues which I am not at liberty to discuss. But she was referring to fixing said issues. The woman is OBSESSED with it, as if he's somehow not whole or not acceptable as he is. She didn't think that way previous, or even after he went through his tiny slice of "hell"... this is quite recent. As in, this is the first piece of negativity she's thrown at me since I've even met the man. @_@

She's all "It could take five, ten, fifteen years, or even the rest of his life to get those things fixed! How long are you going to wait for him?" and, as I said, my response was "as long as it takes. I'm willing to support him as much as he needs, step back when he needs it, and do what I can to aid him when he wants it." Her response to that was "I just want to know how long it's going to be before you go on to the next one."

WHAT?! NEXT ONE?!?! She's lucky didn't slap her, elder or not. He IS the one! I don't want, nor do need, anybody else. She can't understand that because in my past, at one point, I went through boys like I currently go through M+M's... mostly because they were all jerkwads or abusive at some point... or I fell out of love with them. It's like... Why string somebody on, you know? That's just cruel! I would rather break it off sooner than later because the person will get more and more attached to you as time goes on. BUT, that is irreverent here.

My point is, I know I won't need or want anyone else in my life romantically. Loki is IT. I know this because I haven't felt like this in my entire 24 short years of life... and though I am still rather young I have seen quite a bit by the way of relationships. I think I know what I'm talking about.

ANYWAY! I told her "I'm not going to the next one. He IS THE ONE. I don't want anybody else." and she was all "So, you're ok with not getting married for the rest of your life if that's what he needs?' and I said "that's right. Granted, it would be nice to get married, but I'm not about to leave him over something so petty, and I'm certainly not going to let it ruin our lives... or our future life together." she then got all mad and was like, "well what if I want you to get married? What if I don't want to see you in pain because he can't give you what you want?" and i was very tempted to say "well, tough shit then, lady" but luckily I've gotten craptons better at holding my tongue.

I just said "Well, it's my choice, not yours. He and I are perfectly ok living together for the rest of our lives without ever getting married at all. I'm not going to get hurt... He wouldn't intentionally hurt me. He'd take the pain himself if he could, just so I wouldn't have to suffer. Not many people can say that and know it's true in their hearts 100%. And he has the same from me. I'd gladly take any suffering he's going through on my shoulders if I could help it. ANOTHER thing - I can honestly say that I know for a FACT that he goes to bed each night thinking of me. Even FEWER can say that about their man. I'm not about to give this up just because the road ahead of him is a little rocky." Then she got all pissed, threw up her hands and was like, "Ok then."

The bitch even had me crying, just by asking questions!! There were more but I've forgotten some of them because I've been preparing for an outing tomorrow and trying to calm myself down so I didn't shove my keyboard through my monitor. @u@ WTH?! how did she learn to become such a demon in human clothing?! %growl% I'm just glad that I was able to get hold of Loki before now so I could calm down and tell him a little bit about it before I went to bed... else I would have been having nightmares.

... Y'know what, I even have lyrics running through my head for this situation... sung by me, aimed at Loki. They're at the bottom of this post... It's from Moulin Rouge, but that doesn't do anything to the authenticity behind the intent! And if ANY OF YOU AT ALL doubt how I feel for him... click the link I've put to the song, and listen VERY, VERY HARD to the lyrics. Both male and female. Every single word sung, my heart sings to him. So doubters, nay-sayers, and people who are just plain jealous... STFU, GTFO and various other pieces of colorful internet lingo. xD

I mean, how should I have handled that situation with my maternal parental unit? Did I do it right? How would you have reacted? Is she just in her worries? You all obviously know my opinion of her opinion (hint: it involves a very rusty monkey wrench in some very unsavory places...) but I also want to know yours. And, if you do listen to the song, if you can actually say with 100% honesty that you mean every single word of that toward another human being... isn't that true love? How do YOU define true love?

Thanks for your thoughts, opinions, and positive energies. It seems that both sets of parents have turned against the opposite kid (mine against him, etc) and we're probably going to need some ideas on how to smooth things over. I'm not at liberty to discuss why his parents hate -me- right now, especially since 1) it's not my story to tell, and 2) I should have been in bed yesterday. LITERALLY.

Blessed be,
SNT

Listening: The Fatal Beauty chattering in my ear (Love you sis!)
Eating: AIR NOM NOM NOM!
Drinking: Water

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Loki... This is from me to you. And I mean every single word, male or female singing. I love you baby! <3

"Come what may,
Come what may,
I will love you,
until my dying day!"
~ Moulin Rouge, Come What May

Update!

Check my links up above. I've added some links to friends of mine, so go check them out nao! xD

Let's see... my room's going up just fine. An idiot moved out of the neighborhood today (His name is John. My neighbor, who was housing him because he is her nephew, got so sick and tired of his utter BULLSHIT that she sent him to a homeless shelter. FINALLY!) and I am so glad that this happened! It means I can go over there again without my purse being abducted and shoved down some dirty man's pants. =_= I would call him a dirty OLD man, but he's a year younger than I am. ... I'm not old yet! I SWEAR!

Oh, plus I have mormon missionaries coming over this Wednesday.  They left me a book of mormon the last time they were over here... I enjoyed talking to them, and I invited them back just so I could return the book. I am quite happy with my religion, thank you very much, and I don't feel the need to be 'saved' by a carbon copy of several hundred religions that came before our time. (See Zeitgeist Movie for where I get my information. Not knocking the Christian religion here, I'm just saying that several hundred different religions acted as prototypes for what seems to be a man-made religion.) They're fun to talk to, they even enjoy my incense and don't bother my altar! I thought they'd try to deface it once they found out that I'm what they would call a "devil worshiper." I had to educate them on the Wiccan religion, and even then it was a very brief, very generic education because I'm not about to give away craptons of information so they can use it against me and other Wiccans they come in contact with.

Anyway. Went shopping today. That was interesting. I got some herbs and such for some of my magic... I'm looking forward to using them, especially since two people that are really close to me are sick: Loki, and The Fatal Beauty. Both are long-lasting illnesses that they've both had for months. (Well, The Fatal Beauty more than Loki, but you get my point.) I'm going to perform them on midnight, providing the moon is in the right phase for said workings. I'd prefer it to be full, as there's more energy flowing through the air while it's full, but both of these things need to be resolved quickly. I'm not waiting more than three days, unless the moon will be void within those three days.

So, I also have a question of morality for everyone who gives a damn, and it's preceded by a rather long-winded story... you have been warned.

So, I went to the gynecologist a while ago. She tests me for a non-communicable disease called PCOS, which stands for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. In non-medical terms, cysts on the ovaries that can pop at random and be extremely painful. Symptoms of PCOS include obesity, depression, unexplainable dark patches and tags on the skin, irregular and very heavy periods, FACIAL HAIR and extremely painful cramping.

I have all of those symptoms. Every last one of them.

So, I do the logical thing: I tell my doctor the symptoms I have, and then tell her that I think I have PCOS. She sends me in for an ultrasound to look for cysts. Now, that would be fine except that's not how you properly diagnose PCOS. You have to have a blood test to check for high levels of testosterone in your blood. So, the ultrasounds (which were painful due to a new INTERNAL mechanism for ultrasounds) come back negative. Instead of doing a blood test, she schedules me for surgery to get the excess blood buildup in my uterus out and gives me HORMONAL birth control for after the surgery to make sure I don't have three and a half month long periods again. PLUS, said birth control is KNOWN to make you gain weight.

I go to a second appointment with the same lady. She sees that I've gained ten pounds and suddenly it's all my fault because I'm "Eating more chocolate, drinking more soda, and not exercising." BULLSHIT. I didn't change a damn thing in my diet or exercise routine... I just started taking that damn hormonal birth control pill to keep myself from dumping the entire contents of my circulatory system onto my hardwood floor!!!

Then, I have a gynecologist appointment on the second of june. at my last appointment three months ago, she told me that if I did not loose at least 10 pounds and quit smoking that she wouldn't give me the birth control I need to keep from bleeding out every three months.

So, having said all of that, here's what I'd like to know from you: 1) is she just in her actions? In other words, were you in her position, knowing what you know now, would you take the same course of treatment she did - ultrasound, and then SURGERY?  2) Am I crazy for wanting a second opinion, and maybe even wanting to drop her like a bad habit and find another doctor? (My parents think I'm crazy for that one.) 3) Is it wrong of her to deny me the pills that are keeping me from loosing shit-tons of blood over long periods of time, and possibly saving my life, just because I couldn't loose ten pounds?

Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think! I'm always open for different opinions and inputs!

Blessed Be,
SNT

Eating: peanuts
Drinking: water
Listening: Katy Perry, E.T.

realization.

Dad took me to Jimmy John's today.

While we were there I told him a lot of what was in my previous post. He gave some great advice: "It sounds like you need to let Loki come to you."

I don't know how many times I've given people that advice and they haven't followed it. I can't recall how many times I've come to that conclusion myself and hey, what do ya know, the situation worked out. I don't know why I didn't think of that yesterday when I was upset.

So, I'm guessing dad's right. He usually is right about these sorts of things. So, I'ma take his advice (and the advice of everyone who's said that to me yesterday - thank you, guys!) I'ma quit chasing him, and let him get his shit in order, get well, etc. If he wants to talk, he'll talk to me.

And there's something else I realized: I have more shit to work out myself. For example, not being so insecure and neurotic. Finishing getting my room cleaned up and presentable. Catching up on books and my own spirituality... It's been forever since I've danced for my Goddess, or even lit a candle in her honor.

And dad said something else today that helped me realize why I feel so horrible every time Loki does or gets something for me: I feel like a gold digger, and that couldn't be farther from the truth. I think he knows that I'm not after his money - I already have what I want from him, and that's his love and affections. I'm just hoping that I can get the job(s) I want so I can start giving back. Because as much as it's not true, I feel like a fucking gold digger.

So, I'm going to clean my room some more. possibly read and listen to music. I know I'm going to light a candle for Bast and possibly give her an offering, because it's been forever and she deserves it. I may even get on my bike and work on loosing some of my fat ass or the "preggo-belly" that I've acquired. (What, beer belly is reserved for dudes!) Perhaps some of those things will make me happy instead of numb.

I sure hope so.

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: Jimmy Eat World, The Middle and Katy Perry Firework, ET <=== for Loki
Eating: Jimmy John's Day Old Bread
Drinking: Water

insecurities

LOKI: This is a rather horribly detailed plunge into my own psychosis, particularly my insecurities and the things that are wrong with me. Some of it may hurt. Others I'll bet you can see coming from a mile away. Read at your own risk.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~

So, as the title says, then.

I am getting really insecure about a lot of things (mostly relationship related) and I think I need some serious help. Loki and I are just fine... or so says the sane part of my brain.

We were talking on the phone for a while and then he tells me he's tired, so I say "Ok, go sleep." I head to facebook a couple of minutes later and see something he posted one second ago from this game called "Garden of Time." So the not-so-sane (or correct, I'm not sure which yet) part of my brain says "He didn't really want to sleep, he just didn't want to talk to you anymore. Anything was better than talking to you at that moment in time." and it wasn't said in a pleasant way, either. It's like... he didn't want to talk to me, but then he didn't want to go to bed, which is what he said he was going to do, either.

I'm very confused! He has suddenly become very busy as well, which tends to legitimately happen to people, but I've also seen it in hundreds of relationships (both real and fictional) ... when the man is no longer interested, he suddenly becomes too busy for anything the woman wants.  Women pull the same thing (I know, I've done it several times to distance myself from some particularly unsavory characters. Both real and fictional. [I mean in role plays.] )

HOWEVER, it could very well be my own damned mind playing tricks on me because I'm insecure in every single relationship I have, good or bad, romantic or not, due to all of the things that have gone wrong in my past. OR it could be the fact that at one point we were spending a crapton of time together and now that he legitimately has other important things to be doing my mind is going off the deep end, taking me with it. OR it's because I had these unreasonable expectations that are not getting met and cannot possibly be met because I'm not the fucking center of the universe. OR PERHAPS it's just me being a clingy, whiny, self-absorbed bitch. Hey, I'm not ruling it out... I can get that way a lot.

Don't get me wrong, I trust him with everything... everything I own, everything about me... my very life... except there's one thing that I have a very hard time letting go of because I"m just THAT subliminally afraid of being hurt: My own emotions. My heart. That is the quickest way to bring me to my knees, and everybody who knows me intimately knows that very well. He freaking owns my heart, with his name engraved on it, on a necklace. (It would be on a keychain if I would have thought to put it there...) ... I guess it's sort of hard for me to give it because, well, it's never really been given like this before. In past relationships, I only let people touch or hold my heart for moments. mere moments. The rest of it they were influencing it from the outside... This, this is different. I have given him my heart for the rest of my life... again, don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine with that, else it wouldn't have been done... and I'm not about to take it back, either. I would hurt, in my opinion, the most important person in the entire universe! Why would I go and do that?

But my point is, if others have broken my heart when they were trusted with it for mere moments, or broken it without even being able to TOUCH it... I don't know. It's like, in the back of my head there's this really REALLY tiny voice saying "if they broke your heart and gave you that much pain when they had so little of it, imagine the pain you're going to go through when Loki breaks it. You won't be brought to your knees, you'll be killed."

NOTE how that voice in my head says that. It doesn't say if. It doesn't even have an if IN THERE AT ALL... it's just "when." and that scares the ever living FUCK out of me. I don't think I could live without him at this point... he owns me, completely, and were that to happen I'd be a completely shattered being. I need him, and he knows it.

I think I need help. I've gone through this in EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD, and I'm tired of worrying and putting myself through hell, even if that tiny voice in the back of my head was right 98% of the time. It's only been wrong ONCE, and it was before I had met Loki. Call it an intuition of sorts (I am a chick after all...) but I want it to go away. I would rather live blindly than be able to predict that sort of shit coming from a mile away. It'd be a lot easier to deal with. and I know that Loki will be reading this at some point so he's going to be all "What have I done wrong? What did I not do for her?" and start questioning himself and that's not the purpose of this AT ALL... I am venting, crying, screaming at the screen because my own stupid brain won't leave me alone!

I finally find happiness. I finally find a really damn good reason to stay in this god-forsaken planet and cherish each moment, each breath, each blink of an eye: Loki, and his love for me... and then my mind goes and desecrates it, turning it into doubt and worry and pain by pointing out teeny tiny things of absolutely no consequence what so ever, and using them as evidence for this question: "Does he really love you like you think he does? Who could love YOU???" THIS is why I hate myself. THIS is why I wanted, for so many years, to just die - fall off the face of the planet, permanently, and just go to hell. (literally.) At least nobody would have to put up with me. Nobody would have to look at my ugly-ass face or see this hideous, decaying body of mine. I would suffer for everything I had ever done, for every breath I had ever taken... because that's what I deserve. MY OWN MIND is my worst enemy.  Yes there are people who would love to see me suffer, but if they could see what was going on in my own head... they'd be more than satisfied.

I'm also faced with a bit of a problem, now. He's going to read this. Which, I'm perfectly fine with him reading it, but at the same time I don't want him to. Why? Because I don't want his mind playing tricks on him too. We wouldn't have "ridiculous" levels of issues, we'd have "stupendously redonculous (Pronounced re-DONK-you-lus)" levels of issues. He'd start questioning himself and asking where he went wrong in the relationship, what he did that has made me act this way, and start looking for ways to change his normal behavior into something different. I don't want any of that for him. Plus if he goes that route (which I think his mind is probably going to drag him down) then I'm also going to feel horrible about the entire thing, feel guilty for even venting in any way shape or form, and start bottling everything up again until it just explodes and becomes this horrible horrible gigantic mess that nobody is ever fully able to clean up, EVER. But then when he reads that I'll feel bad if his mind plays tricks on him like that then he'll just bottle it up of his own will to try to spare me the guilt/extra pain, but then when his own emotional bottle-rocket explodes I'll want to fatally wound myself even more than I did ten minutes ago... and that's saying something.

I'm worried. I don't really know if I have cause to worry or not. My mind is making me think things that are really not pretty. I keep getting images of him pushing me away, both with his hands and with other actions. I keep getting this feeling of dread, and very slight echos of pain that some part of me thinks is coming very rapidly. No matter what I do I feel that I am never, EVER going to be good enough. Not for him, not for my family or friends, not even random people on the street. And because it feels like I'm never, EVER going to be good enough for ANYONE, it's really easy to believe that little voice in my head when he says "Nobody could ever truly love you. He's going to leave you. I'm surprised he put up with you and even HUMORED you for this long. He deserves a fucking medal, and he certainly deserves a million times better than you."

I have this burning need to please. If I can't do something exactly how it's wanted or needed, without being told, within a certain time frame, it hurts me emotionally. I didn't do it good enough. It doesn't matter how happy the person is with whatever it is I've done. I didn't do it good enough, and therefore I have failed at whatever it is I did for that person. It makes me less than a person. Not human. Different... ugly. Like... like not even the rejects want me. That's why I've forced myself to be so damn good at rolling with the punches, letting go, and not asking about what Loki's doing, where he is, or anything along those lines. That's the perfect girlfriend. I must be perfect for him. Not because he demands it, or even politely requests it. I want to give him perfection, and I am failing. Why? I'm still breathing. I flip out sometimes. I cry. I get hurt, emotionally and physically. I'm a klutz. I'm not mentally stable. I sometimes seriously doubt my own sanity! I'm not perfect because I'm still breathing.

I have a sometimes overwhelming fear of being left behind, thrown away like the garbage that I am or abandoned, and it makes me cling WAY too tight in certain situations. For example, right now I want to call Loki to talk, because it would re-assure me he isn't angry with me or wanting to leave me for someone better. I just got off the phone with him not a half hour ago. Or go over to his house and sit down with him, face to face, look him in the eyes and tell him everything contained in this venting session, and get on my knees and just beg him to not go anywhere, and apologize profusely for being such a fuck up and reject.

Because that's what I feel like nearly constantly. A fuck up. An undesirable THING that is definitely not human because it is just that ugly, inside and out. I feel like a waste of oxygen. Human beings could be using that oxygen to power their bodies and minds, therefore keeping brilliance in the world. Me? I'm that blob of unrecognizable stuff that you don't want to touch after throwing a HUGE party at your house. Everyone else? Amazingly beautiful creatures who deserve to be loved and cherished. I know I need help because Loki has said some really incredible things to me... about how I'm actually -beautiful- inside and out... and I keep hearing his voice in my head, saying it over and over... but no matter how many times I hear it, I can't believe it. My mind won't let me believe it...

I already think very poorly of myself, if you haven't guessed that already. Just... please don't think any less of me because of this. If any of the people I know personally want to run away screaming because they now realize just how crazy and unstable I really am, I'm not going to stop them. Don't get me wrong, I want every single one of the people who know me personally to stay in my life... but... if they want to go, who am I to stop them? Who am I, who has no worth, to warrant them sticking around? I'll just cry a lot and die a little inside for each of those cherished people I loose. But then again, why should anyone care?

May you be blessed in anything and everything that you do,
SNT

holy guacamole!

No seriously, that green stuff is glowing. o.o

haha it's been a while. Lotsa crap's been happening with me so it's been difficult for me to blog. Mostly emotional stuff, like my grandma passing away (may she rest in peace) and a bunch of other stuff that I won't name here. If you know me, you know what I've been through.

ALSO! Take a look at my good friend's blog. You can find her link in the "other awesome people" section, once I put it there... which will hopefully be very very soon. (I love you sis!)

... yes, she is both my friend AND my sister. deal with it. =D

Pandora rocks, just so you know. I went there and typed in "like a g6" and this awesome radiostation was created! Loki keeps making his own stations and for a while I thought he was addicted. ... Now I see why. <3 Seriously people, go check it out.

Let's see, what else...? OH RIGHT. More drama, WHEE! =.= My right ankle is shot. I went to the hospital about a week ago or so and they said "arthritis" but the orthopedist says "sprained ankle." All I know is they gave me a crapton of strong painkillers (generic Vicadin), an ace bandage, and told me to follow up with a specialist. Is it bad that I'm not really sure what to think? I mean really. If it's arthritis, I have a disease that is generally seen in 80 year old individuals but is never going to heal, ever... and if I have a sprained ankle then I have to stay off of it for a few weeks, crutches included. @_@ holy cow.

OH! And my mother is out of the state until June. HOLY COW! I'm so happy with that! Things get cleaned when I want them cleaned, I don't have to hear bitching about everything, and I may even be able to drive, finally!

Dude, and I also got to thinking: What would the world be like if we all had something we were SUPER good at, enjoyed, and everyone knew it because it was blatantly obvious? I don't mean "decent", either. This is what I mean: What if everyone had something that they were uber-good at, like a model has her uber-good looks? Something that nobody could seriously deny the awesomeness. I think that, if that were the case, there would be a drastically lower rate of suicide and self-esteem issues, and songs like "Firework" by Katy Perry wouldn't be needed. (Don't get me wrong, I love the HELL out of that song... but I think it was born of a need of some sort, not love of music. Konda obvious, that one.) People would actually RESPECT and VALUE one another! Granted I think there would be some jealousy issues but we deal with that every day, yes? Even on an unconscious level, we deal with it.

If I could pick that one thing that I'd be good at... I'd really have a tough time of it. I think it'd come out as a tie between three things: Writing, singing, or creating jewelry. But if I couldn't choose and I had to look at myself objectively to find it, I realize that I'm really good at consoling others in times of need and giving sound advice. I'm also quite good at playing devil's advocate, so methinks I'd be an excellent therapist with the qualities I have RIGHT NOW. The only problem now is, going to college for six years.

SO PEOPLE, riddle me this: if you could choose just ONE thing that you'd be a superstar as, what would it be and why? Also, look at yourself objectively and tell me what you're already good at. I don't need specifics (ex - instead of saying "riding my boyfriend until he cums three times and we're both sore", say "sex." I don't want any mental images, please.)


I'm out.

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: La Roux, Bulletproof (Tiborg Remix)
Drinking: Sprite Zero! YUM!

RANT

CALLING ALL PARENTS AND/OR PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ANY SOCIAL SKILLS: These are signs that your child or person you're talking to is not interested in the current topic spewing out of your mouth.

1) the person you're talking to has nothing else to do, and is not looking at you or their eyes wander.
2) They're not responding with anything more than "yeah, uh-huh, ok"
3) they roll their eyes at certain points (at least you know they're paying attention when they do this) or tilt their head back to look at the ceiling in exasperation, frustration, or being just plain flabbergasted at your stupidity.
4) there are multiple attempts to change the subject... to ANYTHING other than what you're talking about.
5) they cannot control their tone of voice because it becomes extremely difficult not to go postal on you due to prolonged exposure to idiocy.
6) They frequently CLOSE THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE when your point has been made, entered their brain, and flown right out the other ear.
7) they fidget with something, and pay more attention to that than your flapping lips and continued noisy vocal patterns you call speech.
8) they pace, or move in another manner to indicate feeling cornered or closed off from the rest of intelligent humanity.
9) they suddenly become hungry and use it as one of their frequent attempts to change the conversation to something less moronic. However, considering the fact that some people (the person I'm ranting about) might actually need this tutorial, the attempt will likely fail.

All of the above my mother needs to hear. repeatedly. and possibly shoved into her brain with repeated 'boot to the head' style instruction. She just rambled on for about two hours about the most random shit that nobody really cares about at this moment in time, OR is just plain tactless. The post below states that my cat was put to sleep on Sunday... TWO DAYS AGO. It also states that I burst into tears while waiting for Loki to get off work. Mother knew this, and yet kept going ON and ON and ON forever about the cat, how she was put to sleep, WHY she was put to sleep, how she misses her, how dad misses her, etc. Plus she flaunted the fact that she gets to go shopping on someone else's money today, AS WELL AS get a free meal out of it.

Granted Loki takes me out for food all the time, but we're dating and most of the time it's because we either don't have the materials or facilities to cook something for ourselves, or we're on time constraints and need sustenance rather quickly. This person is supposed to be my mother's friend (although it's more of an acquaintance, and a business one at that) and she's letting mom buy whatever she wants, and this lady's going to pay for it. Oh, did I mention that she lives in Nebraska, took a plane out to see my mom, AND is throwing money at my mother in order to spend time with her?!?!

This is the same woman (my mother) who broke off three good friendships for the same reason, even though she was doing the same thing to them.

So, she can use other people, but she can't be used in return? HYPOCRITE MUCH?! I'm sorry but that shit makes me angrier than a wet cat in a sealed igloo surrounded by anchovies. She wonders why I want nothing to do with her... well it's because she's a hypocritical ass who has no tact or sense of humor and expects everyone to bend over backwards for her because she's "old", has had her uterus ripped out of her and therefore was flung into menopause before I was even born, doesn't have a job or any friends, can't support herself, is constantly suicidal, is unhappy in her marriage because her husband "won't spend time with her", and has absolutely no life. That woman has more issues than a downsyndrome crackbaby with aids, and she wonders why she has no friends?! Don't make me laugh. This is also the same woman who INSISTS that I have this complex that demands that I be the center of attention all the time, every day. I think she needs to look in the mirror before accusing me of anything even remotely related to anything with that nature.

Ok, so now that that's out of my system, I'm going to go to bed before I accidentally murder the next small child that gets within a ten foot radius of me.

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: Drowning pool Bodies and Papa Roach Getting Away With Murder
Eating: human souls

Stuff.

As the title suggested, I've kinda podfaded after my first episode of the podcast.

Mainly due to lack of creative juice to better it after getting an email suggesting said improvements, but it also doesn't help that the instrument I use for my podcast has vanished. (Loki's laptop.) I know exactly what happened to it... Loki took it back to play Minecraft with his nephews. Which is cool, it's his machine, though the podcast is shut down for a little bit.

Also, my cat got put down on Sunday. Her name was hope and I think she was 10 years old. She had hyperthyroidism and pancreatitus, as well as an upper respiratory infection. The former two she'd had for six months prior to this and we were managing all right, but the upper respiratory infection sort of pushed my parents to the brink of insanity. They were all like "She's suffering! put her down!" when we could have treated the infection and been all right. There was even medication for the hyperthyroidism that was about a dollar a day to drastically slow that debilitating disease, but they didn't want to mess with any of that.

So, am I wrong in thinking that my parents were just being lazy and/or cheapskates in their decision to put down my cat? I won't deny that she was suffering, but the majority of the suffering was from the easily treatable upper respiratory infection. For $50, one shot would have cured that infection and stayed in her system for two weeks. That's not all that bad if you ask me. and for one dollar a day we could have improved her quality of life significantly.

Also, another question for you: When you put an animal to sleep, you inject some anesthetic into their system to stop their hearts. I know that anesthesiology is used for the alleviation of pain, but I wonder: when does the animal actually die? All the anesthetic does is put the animal's heart into cardiac arrest. After that animal's heart stops it's still technically alive... you could revive it, I think, if there wasn't too much in their system but it would be difficult. Does all brain activity cease after a certain point? Logic dictates that within that animal its cells are still alive and reproducing. The systems that are stopped within the animal, to my mind, are the heart and lungs so the animal appears dead... but in my mind what's -really- happening is the animal slowly suffocates to death and/or dies of that cardiac arrest, and i'm not sure which it is. There's no oxygen to the cells so they start dying, and even if the lungs -were- pumping there's no blood circulation so the cells die anyway.

Thinking about it that way it seems really cruel to me. But then again, I'm sort of known for over thinking things like this. And I know there's not any pain involved, as the heart was stopped using an overdose of anesthesia, but I still wonder how much brain activity is still going on after the animal's heart stops, and how long it takes for that activity to cease. Imagine going into cardiac arrest and suffocating to death, but not being able to do anything about it or even MOVE. That's my biggest problem... if it's done to a human that isn't some sort of convict, it's cruel, but to an animal it's humane. Why do we have this double standard? Who decided that this was acceptable? It's better than the old way of putting an animal to sleep, which was gassing them, but I STILL WONDER.

Yeah it was awkward when I burst into tears at Loki's work today. Nobody saw me that I know of but it felt like the entire world was staring at me because I was in public and an absolute mess. Luckily Loki went on break shortly after I had that little meltdown, but comfort was short lived unfortunately. Had another episode after Loki had gotten me reasonably calm, and smoked WAY too much in trying to comfort myself. (Read: I went through about a half a pack in about 4 hours. That's roughly a cigarette every thirty minutes, which is WAY out of the ordinary for me.)

One of these days a post like this one is going to get me into a lot of trouble, I think. ... oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it I guess.

IN OTHER NEWS: let it be known that the subway near my house is absolutely amazing in terms of quality breakfast sandwiches, excellent service (very accurate and friendly, very willing to bend over backwards to give you what you want it seems), AND ALL THIS in a clean environment. You don't find that very often anymore, especially in the realm of breakfast SUBS. I don't think they even existed before Subway started it.

Oh also, if anybody knows a place that I could live on my own free from parental constraints, children under the age of 15 (or a room with a lock on the door), unreasonable expectations as far as rent/household chores are concerned, with public transportation OR easy access to amenities I'd need via bike, PLEASE hook me up. As much as I love my parents I think my mother whittled away about half of yesterday babbling on about useless stuff that I really didn't need to know or have any interest in. I realize that the topics she was speaking on were important to her... that's why I smiled, nodded, and tolerated her FREQUENT intrusions into my room without having the common decency to knock. For all she knows I could have been "Self-servicing" myself, and that would have just been awkward. Plus I'd like the ability to have Loki over whenever I damn well please, and not have to answer to anybody if caught napping beside him in a questionable amount of clothing... because yes, sometimes we do this. (this is where the "no children under 15 or a lock on the door" thing comes into play. I have no problem babysitting, but I'd like to be able to have private time with my future husband without having to explain the birds and the bees to my roommate's children because we were caught doing the deed. I don't plan on explaining that to any children except my own, and even then after they're at an age to understand it.)

Also, I think that my parents may have a rodent problem. I keep hearing clicking noises inside the walls, even after all of the animals in my house have been put to sleep. My dad keeps saying it's the house settling, but I hear it almost every night and early morning. I've heard it for the entire time we've been here. You'd think that a house would eventually settle all it can settle for a given period of time, but then again I'm not an architect so I really wouldn't know. I'd still get the place checked for mice, cockroaches, termites, and other little annoyances if I ever got rich and bought this house off my parents. I'd also replace the carpeting and invite my friends to come over and help me repaint the house and do other minor repairs, because this place needs it rather badly. (there are two GIANT cracks in my wall that my parents refuse to fix, and a portion of my ceiling that's threatening to leak on my head when sitting at the computer.)

Also, if you haven't already head over to my other blog, LOCATED HERE, and check out the story that I haven't named yet. (click 'unnamed story' in the labels list and read from bottom to top.) I'm looking for ideas on how to advance the plot after a certain point, as well as critique from readers, so I'd really love to hear from you! Leave me a comment on the other blog and I'll be more than happy to look at what you have to say!

Well, I'm going to go. Loki's gtalking me, and I would rather give him my full attention rather than half of it.

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: Rihanna Te Amo
Eating: Chocolate chips, yum!!

What a lot of people should learn.

RESPECT.

I'll link the post that I just made in my book of shadows: CLICK HERE

So yeah, respect. it's a touchy subject for some, because while they were growing up they never received it. and for others it is easily given.

What I'm interested in knowing, however, is how everybody who reads this determines what level of respect is given upon first meeting a new person. (before answering, read my post in my BoS. Disagree with me if you want, as each person is entitled to his or her own opinion.) This is one of the few posts where I will not edit, delete, or censor any responses.

And while we're on the topic of stuff people should learn, let's talk about patience.

Granted I'm not the best at it in certain situations, but I'm working at getting better. Honestly, if a person is patient with me while I'm learning something important to them or while I'm having a brain fart, my respect for that person goes up. I value them as a friend more than I would someone who is condecending or mean while I'm trying to grasp a new concept.

Because let's face it, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box and sometimes learning new things is hard. Other times, it's easy. How long it takes me honestly depends on the subject matter to be learned.

And that's only my opinion... I'm sassy, I'm sometimes super defiant, and downright stubborn when it comes to habits and things I am rather attached to. Imagine someone who is patient with, for example, a senior citizen, or perhaps a small child. The child will consider you a role model for that trait, and the senior citizen will give you more respect and trust.

At least, that's how I see it.

And as far as honesty, that's something I've struggled with a lot... I sometimes still do struggle with it, and have come to accept that. I've at least got it so I don't lie to people that matter to me unless it's a life-and-death matter, and those don't come up very often if at all. For new people however, I struggle in giving them enough respect to tell them the whole, unabridged truth on important matters.

Why? Because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. Of how they'll judge me. I'm afraid of the consequences. However if I can get over that, and tell them the truth (even if it's missing some details here and there) then I will garner more trust and respect from those I meet.

I learned not to lie the hard way. I lost an at least halfway decent relationship because of it. (Yes, Bryan, I'm talking about you.) I have to admit that I'm still fond of this person, but I also have to admit that I have found someone better... I know that's going to hurt Bryan if he ever reads this, but at least I'm having the decency to put it out there for him to find, if he really wants to know.

I consider him a good friend. He's honest with me, he's smart (about on par with a friggin GENIUS, for crying out loud! The man makes me look like the village idiot! ON CRACK!), he's kind-hearted,  and sometimes thoughtful. He's also able to look at a lot of things without bias. And those things make him a wonderful person.

However, Loki... He and I are on the same intelligence level. We can talk about whatever the fuck we want, and understand each other without even thinking about it. He starts a sentence and I finish it. he does a lot of the little things that make my heart just melt, like opening doors and offering to put off his plans because of some whim I had, even if it's a passing one. He's all manner of kind, generous, and understanding. He has does not anger easily (I have yet to anger him... but then again I haven't tried, nor am I going to unless pushed to do so.) and I am quite happy for that. He's funny in a way that I can understand, and we've gone through a lot of the same BULLSHIT in our pasts, so we can be there for one another and actually UNDERSTAND what's going on in the others' head. We like a lot of the same things -music, movies, places, food, scents, books, games, SOME political stuff... and even when we differ on whatever the subject is we don't shove our beliefs down the others' throat or try to prove our point unless asked. Abortion, for example. He's pro-choice, I'm pro-life. Then again, I have a reason to be pro-life... I was adopted. My mother could have killed me before I even took my first breath of air. I would feel dirty if I took that stance. It doesn't feel right to me, and he respects that personal choice of mine. I also respect his belief that a woman should have the choice to go to a licensed doctor to have an abortion done in a sterile environment rather than go to some bum in an ally with a coat hanger, who also happens to be hung over.

But I digress, majorly. RESPECT. HONESTY. PATIENCE. One of those three reasons accounts for why every single one of my past relationships has failed, save the one I'm in now. I've been done both ways on each word, and none of them are really pleasant.

Honesty - Most, if not all, relationships that have failed in my past because of me relate to this topic. I was a huge liar. Though there are a few who lied to me in huge ways (cheating, stealing... all denying it when I had PROOF they were doing it) and I am not friends with these people, nor will I ever be again because of that.

Respect - Mostly towards me, but there was one relationship where I didn't respect the other person involved and majorly fucked it up.

Patience - again, mostly done toward me... Be it patience enough to wait to fuck (when I was a virgin, or if I didn't know the person well enough to be comfortable) or patience when trying to explain something to me when I was having a blonde moment or on my period. Also, don't try to say that I'm using my period as an excuse for my actions/reactions... That's not true. I am more irritable, but that does not mean that I am not in control of my actions. Emotions, maybe not so much sometimes, but actions I -can- control with a bit of effort. And I wasn't patient enough with them (or myself) to exercise that control when it was my fault for the relationship ending.

Give those three things to the other person and it'll work out! CHRIST what is WRONG with my generation if we can't even give people basic truth, respect, and patience?! (I'm not really one to talk, as you all know by now, but my point still stands!) We are all people. We all have needs and wants, and we certainly all have some level of intellect and emotional need. Recognize that, be in tune to those things when interacting with others, and you'll get the same in return. Life will be a whole lot easier.

Parent / child perceptions

Forgive me a rant.

So Loki and I were at his house the other day, and I noticed something.

Everything he was saying about his parents is true, and it aggravates me to high hell. (Granted I believed him when he told me those things but to see a confirmation is just horrid.) He was saying that his parents don't have any faith in him or believe that he can do anything for himself. I believe, as I always have, that he is right... only now I can back it up.

His mother was talking to me while he was making sure that we had everything we needed. She was asking about his diabetes and everything else that she should have assumed he could do himself. (like make his own MEALS!) COME ON NOW!

She even made a point of asking ME to call her if WE needed anything. Like I'm some sort of all-knowing liason between her and her own son. I AM NOT HIS CARETAKER, I AM HIS FIANCE! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE! I know damn good and well that he can care for himself without me, and I appreciate that about him. I know that if everybody that has any idea what he has to do to make sure his blood sugar is under control passed out or somehow left this world, that he could manage it on his own, and he CERTAINLY knows how to cook for himself. Hell, he can cook better than I can, and has quite a few of his mom's recipies. So not only can he cook, he can make AMAZING noms.

I make a point of saying that I know for a fact that he can cook for himself because his mother told him while I was not there, before the dogsitting began, that I needed to be with him to fix his meals for him. And she KNOWS how much of a flop I am in the kitchen!!!

It just irks me to high hell that she'd treat him this way. I made a point of bringing up how they treated him (extremely carefully, of course) and made this statement: "I think that all parents always view their children as children rather than grown adults who can make their own decisions and take care of themselves." They not only agreed with me, but admitted to looking at Loki that way.

So, my question to everyone reading is this: How are parents supposed to let go? Do they ever? How is the child supposed to help the parents see them for who they are rather than the twelve year old boy or girl that they used to be? What is the child supposed to do when the parents refuse to open their eyes to reality?

Because let's face it - not many people are going to slap their parents in the face and say "WAKE UP YOU FUCKERS! I'M NOT A KID ANYMORE!" ... for whatever reasons.

I'm going to say this: Just because you are a parent doesn't mean you automatically deserve respect as if you were a god. You are falable. You will make mistakes. And just like 99.9% of the rest of the parents out there, you will probably find it hard to look at your adult offspring and acknowledge the fact that they are, indeed, grown and that they can, indeed, care for themselves.

ON A DIFFERENT TOPIC. My own parents are being douches as well. Loki and I were smoking on the back porch when they came home and mom made a point of being all "You know those are going to kill you, right?" Well yes, Mrs. Scarlet, I am fully aware that they have an adverse effect on my health... and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. =3

Plus they're saying that they might not call me when they go to put the cat down. Because they've been looking for a reason to kill this cat off ever since she was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. My mother has invented this breathing problem  and convinced my dad that the cat is breathing weird, so they're going to take her to the vet. I swear to god if I don't at least get to say goodbye that I won't forgive them. I won't hold it against them if they can't get ahold of me, but if they don't even try that's an entirely different matter.

On yet another note,  and this time not a ranty one! I am not really certain what to do here, so anybody who feels like giving input... please give it.

I have two opportunities for a job. One of them requires I spend about three grand and go to college at IU Health to be a Pharmacy Technician. The other is taking a post office job a little after July 4th. Both of them have excellent pay. The PO job doesn't give benifits, because I'll essentially be a substitute that's used frequently enough to get decent paychecks. ($12/hr 5 days a week for 8 hrs a day, driving a mail truck.) As a pharmacy tech I'll get somewhere around $14/hr, but there's considerably more stress, VERY limited class sizes (only 16 seats for the entire program...) and absolutely no income while going to school. Though the other needs about 3K that I can't come up with easily. My credit sucks ass so a loan is out of the question, and my parents certainly aren't helping... They keep saying that if I go back to college or land myself in jail (how they can say that in the same breath I'm not certain) that they won't help me. At all.

I want to do both, but doing both is out of the question. I can't work a 6am-5pm shift for the PO and go to college full time. I simply will not have the time... and this is not a work at your own pace sort of program, with a strict attendance and tardiness policy. (rerun of IBC, anybody?)

I truly do not know what to do here. I want to do both, but  haven't really sat down and made a list of pro's and con's yet.

Oh, and did I mention that the deadline for the application is April 30th? I also can't apply for the PO job until after July 4th, because that's when my latest accident falls off of my driving record. (that's the only thing that kept me from being hired... and there was nobody else hired from the same pool that i was in, nor has there been a pool of applicants since then. The PO is practically garanteed, where as this pharmacy tech thing isn't. Plus I'd be competing with Loki for a seat if we both wanted to do that, and I don't like that idea.

Well, I think I'm done. I have a strawberry daiquiri calling me, and I want to answer!

Talk to you later!

Listening - U2 Mysterious ways
Drinking - Strawberry Daiquiri!

Blessed Be,
SNT

SASHA'S MAKING MUSICKS~!

Holy hell.

I just got done spending an hour and a half on GarageBand on Loki's laptop, and holy shit I have freaking music! I have made music!

Granted, it's only out of the pre-recorded loops that came with the program itself, and rather short at two minutes flat, but I still had fun in creating it! AND IT SOUNDS DECENT!

I won't claim to have created professional DJ quality music, but I think it's pretty good. I'll have a link up for you as soon as it's uploaded to Newgrounds, and when I can get a new fan for my computer I'll have the song on my iPod. Yes, I enjoy my creation that much.

EDIT: Ok, so with Loki's laptop garageband won't save to .mp3 format, which means I can't upload the song until I burn the damn thing to a freaking disk and rip it back off of said disc. ... wut. I'm sorry but NO! JUST FOR TWO MINUTES OF MUSIC, I'll have to cough up a CD and burn it to said CD in order to use the damn thing. I tried sending it to iTunes, and it was sent in .aif format. uhm, what? 

... Forgive me for being rather negative and a bit of a n00b, but WHY THE HELL can I NOT  PERFORM such a SIMPLE TASK as getting a song to go from .band or .aif to A FREAKING .MP3 so I can AT LEAST put it on Newgrounds?! ARGH!

I swear to god, if I can get GarageBand or the equivilant for a windows system I'm going to do it. As much as I like trying new things, as much as I love Loki, and as much as his laptop has been a large help to me, I don't think I can stand doing anything other than ChaCha, checking my email, and getting on Facebook with it. I never really got the entire "how to use a mac 101" growing up, and I'm not entirely sure what they've done to compensate for the fact that macs can't right click (or even if they have), be it holding down some key and clicking or what... but whatever it is (if it exists) I am not aware of it, which just makes my life hell. (I grew up in a Windows only family... I'm used to viruses, spyware, malware, etc... but in return I can right-click for a GREAT DEAL MORE options than is normally possible and get more options as far as software.

... so now that my insane technology-related n00b rant is over, I'm going to go smoke and possibly have some tea. Because tea is always good in these situations.

Blessed Be,
~Sasha NT

Got any comments, questions, concerns? Drop me a line or, if you don't have any of my contact info, Leave me a comment and I'll look at it as soon as humanly possible! Thanks in advance!

It has happened!

Dimitri has passed from this world.

He passed Wednesday, March 2nd at 9:35 pm, three minutes after they took his oxygen mask off to give him his last rites as a Russian Orthodox Christian.

The funeral (which I'm not allowed to go to) will be held on Saturday the 5th in New York. There's also a memorial service for family only (that I'm also not allowed to go to) on Sunday.

Take care, Dimitri. You will be missed.

Death in the family

It hasn't happened yet, but I expected it within a week or so.

My grandfather on my father's side, Dimitri,  is on his deathbed as I type this up. His doctors don't expect him to last through the rest of the week. My father is leaving  early-in-the-fucking-morning tomorrow to go to PA and be with his parents.

I have no idea what to think, feel or say because 1) I haven't seen Dimitri in 8 years at least, 2) I'm not ALLOWED to go up with my father and say goodbye, nor am I allowed at the funeral, 3) He's been on his deathbed for a full 48 hours and I wasn't notified until about an hour ago.

Don't get me wrong, he's a part of my family - but even when I was up there to visit both him and Babie (that's the Russian word for 'grandma') he didn't want much to do with me and we didn't have a lot in common. He'd take me out to his shed and show me some of the things he worked on... the man was brilliant! He helped shape modern computers as we know it by inventing various microchips and processors. He had one of those GIANT computers that you could walk inside stored there (it took up approximately one fourth of the shed itself) as well as various work benches and tools. He once gave me an old processor that didn't work anymore, and I used it as a barrette. I still have it somewhere, I think, but I'd have to look for it really hard to find it. It may have been tossed in the move from OK to IN.

so that was point one I guess. point two... what the fuckity fuck. I don't know what to think about this. Here's the reasons I was given: Everything will be spoken in Russian, since that was his first language (He and/or his parents came over from Russia... that was everybody's first language. My dad is full blooded Russian, though he was born in the states.), the man doesn't remember me (he has Alzheimer's, and barely remembers that my dad is his oldest child ever), and I would be a burden. WHAT THE HELL?! EVERYBODY will be a burden on Babie in some way shape or form!! She has to house them all, feed them all, and help comfort them all! ONE MORE PERSON will not do much harm! Plus, even if Dimitri doesn't remember me, I remember him, and I want to say goodbye god damnit! I'm not even allowed at the FUNERAL, after the man has already passed out of this world!! WHAT?!?! I can maybe make an excuse or two for not going up there while he lives, but after he's DEAD? WHAT?!

as for point three... my parents do this to me all the freaking time. They did it when my grandmother had both knees replaced (They didn't want to 'hinder me from my schoolwork' for the first one and 'we didn't want to worry you' on the second one.) and they do it all the time with Dimitri as well as everybody else's health problems. Granted I'm not a master of healing in any sense of the word but I'm damn certain I can do SOMETHING! Hell, I've been called a protege when it comes to working with energy, and there are energy-based healing techniques out there, so LET ME FUCKING AT IT!!! Besides, I am a family member whether these over-zealous yuppie scumbags want to admit it or not. (See, I'm the black sheep of the family because I don't subscribe to their religion [Russian Orthodox], I don't take it up the ass from Babie [she's not my mother, nor does she know me] I don't speak fluent Russian, and I'm living at home with no job after having gone to college. [they use me as an example when speaking to my cousins to instill fear in them. "Don't be like Sasha! You want to live on your own and be successful and get married and have craptons of kids, right?!?! Yes of course you do."]) They don't like admitting it because, as I said, I am the black sheep of the family and I am adopted. I am not related by blood to any of these people. Dimitri himself, to my knowledge, has left me out of his will because I'm not the eldest male grandchild. To my knowledge, he's not leaving me jack SHIT.

Plus mother keeps busting into my room as if she owns my soul, demanding that I go to the store with her this upcoming Friday because my dad is leaving tomorrow (Tuesday) and doesn't intend to be back until Sunday or Monday. (LUCKY BASTARD!) She feels the need to remind me of this every fifteen minutes, and whenever dad gets a phone call she freaking stops what she's doing and closes the door, without another word to me. EVEN MY OWN MOTHER considers me the black sheep of the fucking family, and I'm her ONLY CHILD! I'm sorry, but this is a FML situation.

They reached all of these conclusions without my input, too. So when they told me that Dimitri was dying and that I couldn't go, I raised a bit of a stink. And they had all of their answers to all of my complaints already planned out, and dismissed what they hadn't talked about beforehand. It eventually came down to "You're not going and that's final."

What the fuckity fuck? I don't know what to do, say, feel or even think about this. My own viewpoint was just flattened by a god damned steamroller, I can't say goodbye to a family member who's passing out of this world, nothing I said to them mattered at all, and to top it off all of this drama is over a dying man.

Disgraceful, that's what this is. It's a fucking disgrace to what will eventually be the memory of my grandfather.

What do people think of this? Is anybody even listening? I would REALLY appreciate the input here.

Comments, questions, concerns? Go ahead and leave 'em, but be aware that flames and/or disrespectful behavior will be deleted on site. If you have something nasty to say, make it constructive. Thanks.

Listening: My mother and father talking in hushed tones.
Drinking: Water
Eating: Chili

Zombies!

... Not really, but there IS a missing child in my neighborhood that looks like me! DUN DUN DUUUUN~!

I was on my bike somewhere around 7:30pm today and a cop started following me. He followed me for about a minute and a half-ish before pulling up beside me and rolling down his window. He never put his giant lights-o-patriotism on either, which makes me wonder if he's a creeper in his spare time... but anyway, he asked me where I live and apparently pointing to my house (which, I might add, I was less than 100 feet away from!) wasn't good enough. He rattled off an address ONE STREET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE (even creepier...) and then I rattled off mine. He then held up his hand like "Ok you can stop talking now", thanked me in a non-too thankful tone, and then drove off.

But yeah, all of that came about by just going to get some incense and cigarettes.

... yes, I have started smoking again. And it's a short story this time: I have a really low pain tolerance, and a bit of a weak will sometimes. Translated: I was going to see Loki at work somewhere around a week ago and saw a puddle. So I went to brake so I could go through it slowly or avoid it, and hit ice. I fell off of my bike and skidded to a halt... right in the middle of the puddle! I now have a semi-large bruise on my knee and a cut on my wrist. I was wearing my sexypants too, which made it worse. (sexypants = really tight jeans paired with a thong. Some of you who know me know exactly what pair of jeans I'm speaking of.) But anyway! I had to walk the rest of the way to Marsh (which was a decent distance) while in a crapton of pain. So, I bought myself some smokes to help deal with the pain. (yes, it does help. yes, it does mellow me out when stressed/pms-ing. deal.) And I just haven't put them down since.

But yeah, rantings... Already ranted about the cop, told of how I became a smoker again... hm.

Is it just me, or is there an over-abundance of parents who just do not know how to parent? I've noticed with both my parents, Loki's parents, Heather's mom, etc... that none of these people know how to parent. Period. My parents just don't know how to deal with certain issues. I've noticed that Loki's parents can't deal with reality without clinging to Christianity, and even then they're doing poorly. Same with Heather's mom. One day she's fine with something, the next she's not. Don't even get me started on the lack of parentage in that house! She acts like she's a kid, and expects everyone else to do all the cleaning/cooking! what a mess. Anybody else have a parent like this? You can rant about them if you want in the comments. (that's one of the things I'm good at - I'm a good listener.)

ALSO! People who run from their problems and everything connected to them - WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMOKING?! Running from them only prolongs the problem or makes it worse. It ALMOST NEVER solves it. Plus, if your problem is a person or part of your life, you could be pushing away people who are willing to help you! Or maybe these people who you have a problem with would be willing to talk with you, and try to fix it! People like this, I'm sorry to say, don't have problems with other people or even anything else! They have a problem with themselves that they're running from, and they're going to keep running until the day they die because they are not comfortable in their own damned skin!

I'm sorry, what kind of life is that? If you are one of those people, GET HELP! I'm not a psychologist but if you want I can offer my advice. Leave me a comment if you want my two cents.

Oh right, and there's another thing that pissed me off: I was gone for three days (which shall be referred to as my hiatus) and there were two things that pissed me off. This hiatus was at Loki's grandpa's farm, where we had previously painted a closet white. (this closet took 12 hours and an entire bucket of white paint, for about a five by three square foot area. Loki could reach the ceiling without the aid of a ladder!) So we painted and whatnot, but in the middle of it we went to this college/career fair that was advertised in the paper. Loki wanted to go because there were apprenticeships there, apparently, and some good lectures. So I tagged along.

This entire thing was geared toward high-school students and their parents. While Loki and I were there I was mistaken for his daughter not once, but TWICE. (WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK?!) Neither of us learned anything at the lectures. There was no schedule posted online, so we showed up about an hour late due to having to eat and gather our things. We missed the one lecture that would have been useful... we walked in as the presenter was wrapping up, and he told us "We're almost done!!" and stared at me as if I personally was at fault, as if I was the scum of the earth, and as if I should be ashamed of myself for being late. I'm sorry, I may have been partially at fault, but that doesn't warrant rude comments or glares. I am NOT the scum of the earth, and if anybody thinks I am then... so sorry for them, they're missing out. But there weren't even any apprenticeships there either! They only had the one lecture on how to find them, and that was it. The rest of it was colleges trying to get high school students to sign up early. We left, both quite disgruntled.

The other thing that pissed me off was when I got home, my parents pounced on me as if we were doing nothing but trying to give them a grandchild. (ONE, even if I was I wouldn't admit to it, TWO, I'm not ready for a child financially, THREE, I'm on birth control, FOUR, so what if we are?! Why do you care?! That's OUR CHOICE, NOT YOURS. ahem. >.> ) So I explained everything we did (leaving out everything they didn't need to know) and they backed off. What the hell? As if jumping down my throat when I come home will stop me from having a kid, or even make me want to tell you anything important EVER? Seriously, people! With the learning how to parent! (they KNEW Loki's number. They still do. If they were really worried they could have called and been all "Where are you? What are you doing? Be home for dinner." and I would have, if Loki and I didn't have plans!)

Also, Loki's parents want to meet my parents. Oh joy and jubilations, now I can die happy. NOT. D=

If anybody has any tips on how to make this go smoothly, please let me know? So far the plan is for everybody to meet at one particular Mexican restaurant, but nothing is planned past that... I know how to act around my parents, I know how to act around his parents, etc, but I've never done this before... the whole "Hey mom, dad, these are the parental units of the guy I'm dating!" thing. (My mom and dad have run into an ex's mother before, but that was only the one parental unit and was only for about fifteen minutes. This could last up to two hours or more, and is an official get-together.) I'm both giddy and nervous, and have no idea what to make of this! Help?

Questions, comments, concerns, fish? Go ahead and leave 'em. Just be warned that rude comments or flames will be removed on sight.

Listening: Taio Cruz Feat. Ke$ha Dirty Picture
Eating: Mint Double Stuffed Oreo's!
Drinking: Water

Dream, and other stuffs.

So I had an interesting dream, and I'll put it here before I add details and such on my "my writings" blog to make it into a short story.

The dream begins when I'm visiting Loki at work. It's sometime like two or three in the morning, and for some reason he's working the customer service desk. Also, I've noticed that it's not in the town I currently live in - he and I are both living separately in a different town, and he's working at a bigger, better Marsh with better benefits (insurance, better pay, etc)... I don't know how on earth i'm supporting myself in this huge town, but I will note that I'm on my POS bike.

So he and I talk for a while, and as I'm putting my bike away behind the counter (because, for some reason, the customer service desk is a penensula rather than a corner desk with doors into both backing walls) his female bitchy manager (who gave off energy similar to my mother - lots of negativity and condescending attitude. You all know the kind - those females who are "I'm better than you because I say so and because you don't know jack shit." yeah, he had one of -those- for a manager.) decides to make him pick up the slack for somebody else - stock this, pull this forward, these need to be stocked on -all- the registers. So as he goes off to do his job she descends on -me-.

Because I'm not looking for a fight I attempt to be polite and ask "Hey, my bike's not in the way here, right?" and she proceeds to yank my bike from its current location and put it right between the in/out doors of the establishment... though there's already two bikes there. One belongs to Loki (REALLY nice bike) and the other is one of those BMX looking bikes that have professional paintjobs to make them look dirty with trick-spikes coming out from both wheels and a pedal-backwards-to-brake system. She then starts trying to chat with me, as if she's trying to keep me away from Loki or stall me.

So then an ancient friend from college shows up in what is, ironically, a clone of Loki's dad's jeep grand cherokee - right down to the color! His name is Corey B, and he's also an ex of mine sorta. We're still on good terms, but for some reason he's got Heather riding shotgun, and she's dressed horribly. I mean, this-is-not-the-heather-we-know sort of dress; She had on a full dominatrix outfit underneath a skimpy dress that showed off everything - INCLUDING the dominatrix outfit.

Loki tries to come over to me and talk, since he's done with his extra work, but his manager descends upon him again, bitching at him and giving him even more work specifically designed to keep him away from me. Because, apparently, the invisible customers have complained to her about how we constantly make "Google-y-eyes" at each other. and yes, she did use that very technical term. "Google-y-eyes"

So while that's going on I decide to go outside and get some fresh air - and hopefully get his manager off of the both of our backs. I wind up talking with the possessed-looking-Corey and Dominatrix-Heather, and they somehow manage to get me to get into the backseat. I think it had something to do with food - We were all hungry, so Corey took us out for food (McDonnald's, of course, because the dominatrix insisted.) I get food for Loki as well, because I know he has a full 30-minute lunch and he forgot his lunch that day - instead, we wind up back by my house in my current town, and for some reason I'm packing up most of my clothes as if I'm never coming back. I mean, giant suitcase type of packing. So I'm packing my favorite outfits first, even if a bit hurridly - and I notice that there are clones of said favorite outfits in my closet. You could tell they were clones because the clones were bigger, and generally looked shitty... almost as if someone had been in my room only a few seconds before I opened the door to try to create this illusion.

So I pack both sets of clothing and get back into the car, riding shotgun this time, while Heather goes back into my house to talk to my mother in my stead (because we look so much alike that she can't tell her own daughter from somebody else) and, for some reason, it's working. She's gotten really, REALLY good at acting. Corey and I start talking while we watch Heather chat with my mom - and my mom starts getting teary-eyed and looking happy! Like the prodigal daughter had come home...

So Corey and I start talking about college, where we've been since then, etc. and then he suddenly grabs my left wrist (engagement wring and all) and pulls it backward as hard as he can, chicken-winging me without putting the arm behind my back. He starts asking me questions like "What's your favorite food?" and "If you could save one person in this entire world from the apocolypse, who would it be?" My responses were "I have lots of favorites" and "Loki Akiiki"... I'm in a lot of pain until I say Loki's name...

So then Corey's eyes go all reminiscent as he smiles softly and says "So you'd save Loki from the apocalypse, and not yourself?" and when I said yes, he said "Oh Sasha, I've missed you so much." He let go of my wrist and hugged me, and acted like he was going to run away with me. (since neither of us liked this twisted, dominatrix-obsessed Heather.) He turns off the jeep's lights and starts backing down the street (because, for some reason, it's gridlock going out of the housing edition and you can't turn around.) He backs onto the sidewalk and parks so we can watch heather freak out when she realizes her ride is gone... so she and my mother start packing clothing (including tights, lots of dresses and skirts... the stuff I don't wear, and have left... which should have alerted my mother that something was up) and then she spots us while packing. She looks me straight in the eye and mouths something; Corey, sounding zombified and posessed, says it for her: "He is mine, bitch!" Then I feel a pinch in my neck and I'm knocked out cold.

When I wake up I'm in Heather's body, wearing what she'd normally wear in real life - a lime green dress that I'm not that fond of. My hair's cropped short, which looks good on her; Heels somehow feel comfortable, and I tower above all of my female friends; and everything seems to be in order. My memory is horribly fuzzy, and if it weren't for my name being written on the mirror I wouldn't know who I was. My name is Heather N. W. and I live with my one brother and horrid mother.

Everything's going fine as I'm re-learning my routine... and then Sasha shows up with her new boyfriend, Corey. Loki tags along, too, looking extremely melancholy after the breakup. This is the first instance of feeling that anything is wrong at all, because I feel more connected to this Loki person than is healthy - almost to the point of obsession, or worse, true love. Because I am Heather, and I cannot trust any man with anything due to shit that went down a long time ago, in multiple instances.

I notice that Sasha's eyes are a different color than I remember them - instead of blue, they are green. I noticed that, looking in the mirror this morning as I put on my face, my eyes were blue instead of the normal green. This was getting strange - first the eye color, and then looking at this heartbroken male...

Then he looked up and met my eyes. My heart jumped out of my chest, and it scared me half to death. What scared me more is the fact that he kept staring into my eyes... as if he recognized me, or knew me from somewhere. Sasha kept coughing to get my attention, something she normally doesn't do, and I kept ignoring her - This was my house, after all. She'd get fed when I damn well wanted to feed her! Why is this man staring at me so much... and why do I feel like I know him, even... dare I say... love him?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

LITERARY GENIUS! I know the whole body-switching thing has been done before, but what if you add magic to it and make it a horror story? Magic + horror... I haven't read about that being done before, or read any books like that before. Sure, I'm working on a magic + romance story... as well as a magic + action/romance trilogy... but magic + horror...? I want to try my hand at this. Expect an update to my "my writings" blog within 48 hours turning the above dream into a short story. Or do you think that it should be incorporated into one of my currently-running stories? All I'd have to do is switch out a few names here and there, and introduce two new characters to whatever story I add it to... and those aren't all that hard to do.

IN OTHER NEWS, ChaCha is being a bitch. They're trying to tell me that I'm under their QA standards.Which, whatever. I've made their damn QA standards every time except freaking ONE! Unless there's some invisible standard that I don't know about? Meh, while Loki's at work I'm going to re-educate myself on the "Mysteries that are ChaCha!" ... Wow. I sound like a total idiot there.

So I've also noticed that there's a lot of hate being thrown at hookah, which I've become rather accustomed to. Honestly, if anybody asks any questions about it, they are met with craptons of hate! What sort of way to communicate information is that?! IT'S NOT, YOU MORONS! Stop spreading negativity at people who 1) don't deserve it, and 2) didn't fucking ask for it or start anything. It's one matter to get legitimately angry about something and go bitch and rant about it, but it's quite another to force your agenda down someone else's throat just because you woke up on the wrong side of the god damned bed this morning. Some of us know it's "Bad for us" or whatever, but we do it anyway. Why? Because I have a life to live god damnit, and I'm not going to sit and make myself miserable for my entire life just to get to this invisible "heaven" of yours or prolong my life on this plane for 3 or 4 more months. SO STOP FORCING THE ISSUE!

AHEM, so I'm done. I need to get ready for my BF's arrival. We're going to be eating cornpops and discussing a bunch of stuff that neo-yuppie-retarded-idiots the school systems are currently turning out can't even fathom... like SCIENCE! *Bill Nye pose*

I knew I picked the right one <3

Have any comments? Go ahead and leave 'em. Want me to cover something in a blog post? Leave it in a comment and I'll consider it.

Blessed Be!
~SNT
Listening: Enya: Wild Child