I have come to a realization... a very interesting one, involving me and Loki.
It is very different to have your heart walking around outside your body.
He doesn't have my heart... or a key to it... he IS my heart! That's why I feel so alive when I'm around him. I can't think of any other way to describe it... to have someone that means the world right beside you, loving you for who you are and not what you can give... wow. Song lyrics come to mind: "OOh, heaven is a place on earth!" ... and for me, it's in his arms. Even when he leaves... he leaves me glowing. Not just simply happy... GLOWING. (Read: on cloud nine, etc) ... I can still feel his fingers on my skin, running down my arm slowly. I can only describe this as the afterglow you get when you turn off an incandescent light bulb. You know what I"m talking about... the bulb glows for about a minute or two after it's turned off. Yeah, that.
Have you ever felt that you really didn't belong? Like you didn't know what you were meant to do on this Earth, or like this wasn't your home? I know I have. Loki... he fixes that for me without trying. I'm not even certain if I communicated exactly how that felt before he and I became one... Though I'm fairly certain he knows exactly how that feels. I now feel like I know what I'm supposed to do here... like I have a place here. My purpose is to give him all of my love, and my place is beside him. Not behind... not in front of... beside. With some of my ex's I felt dirty... like nothing was really right. With Loki I feel clean, pure even. I felt something for all my ex's at the time I dated them, sure. (No, I don't lead people on like that... I can be cruel at times, but I'm not heartless.) Affection, maybe... the beginnings of love, possibly. but not full-on love. not like this.The depth of this emotion is unfathomable... infinite, it seems. It is the most pleasant and addictive sensation of drowning I have ever experienced. - and I willingly admit to being addicted! I just keep wanting to be pulled in deeper and be swept away by the pure elation and joy. Never before has anything been so special or dear to my heart.
I see how the authors of romance novels get their inspiration. It's love like this. You can tell when you read them that they've at least felt it before, even if they're not living it now. They poured a lot of their own emotions into words to bring the rest of the world a story that mimics what they feel... and at the end of the day, they get to go back to that special someone and feel that way all over again!
Some of you who know me personally will know that sometimes, I can't even see myself waking up the next morning, let alone where I'm going to be in five years time. So, you will all know how huge it is when I say... I can see eternity in his eyes when he looks into mine.
My place is here. My time is now. This is my life to live, and I can only live this timeline once. There are no do-overs... no save points or extra lives. There's not any boss-fights and more than likely I'll never have to use any sort of weapon except my own cunning and wit against anyone. However, this has got to be by FAR, the most exciting and tear-jerking ride I have ever been on. The only thing I am deathly afraid of now is somehow loosing Loki... be it to someone else or my own stupidity. (Even spiders seem less frightening!) My greatest joy is a tie between kissing him, talking to him, and looking into his eyes. Everything else... sometimes it can come close, such as when I immerse myself in my writing or when I'm babysitting for one of my two favorite families... but it never tops what I just described here. How can anything, really? They're not Loki, and never will be. Truly, nothing and no one could even come close to replacing him. Ever.
Eternity? Pfft, I am no longer afraid. BRING IT!
Blessed Be,
SNT
Listening: Belinda Carlisle - "Heaven is a place on earth"
Eating: Subway, soon!
Drinking: Tea, probably.
