realization.

Dad took me to Jimmy John's today.

While we were there I told him a lot of what was in my previous post. He gave some great advice: "It sounds like you need to let Loki come to you."

I don't know how many times I've given people that advice and they haven't followed it. I can't recall how many times I've come to that conclusion myself and hey, what do ya know, the situation worked out. I don't know why I didn't think of that yesterday when I was upset.

So, I'm guessing dad's right. He usually is right about these sorts of things. So, I'ma take his advice (and the advice of everyone who's said that to me yesterday - thank you, guys!) I'ma quit chasing him, and let him get his shit in order, get well, etc. If he wants to talk, he'll talk to me.

And there's something else I realized: I have more shit to work out myself. For example, not being so insecure and neurotic. Finishing getting my room cleaned up and presentable. Catching up on books and my own spirituality... It's been forever since I've danced for my Goddess, or even lit a candle in her honor.

And dad said something else today that helped me realize why I feel so horrible every time Loki does or gets something for me: I feel like a gold digger, and that couldn't be farther from the truth. I think he knows that I'm not after his money - I already have what I want from him, and that's his love and affections. I'm just hoping that I can get the job(s) I want so I can start giving back. Because as much as it's not true, I feel like a fucking gold digger.

So, I'm going to clean my room some more. possibly read and listen to music. I know I'm going to light a candle for Bast and possibly give her an offering, because it's been forever and she deserves it. I may even get on my bike and work on loosing some of my fat ass or the "preggo-belly" that I've acquired. (What, beer belly is reserved for dudes!) Perhaps some of those things will make me happy instead of numb.

I sure hope so.

Blessed Be,
SNT

Listening: Jimmy Eat World, The Middle and Katy Perry Firework, ET <=== for Loki
Eating: Jimmy John's Day Old Bread
Drinking: Water