insecurities

LOKI: This is a rather horribly detailed plunge into my own psychosis, particularly my insecurities and the things that are wrong with me. Some of it may hurt. Others I'll bet you can see coming from a mile away. Read at your own risk.

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So, as the title says, then.

I am getting really insecure about a lot of things (mostly relationship related) and I think I need some serious help. Loki and I are just fine... or so says the sane part of my brain.

We were talking on the phone for a while and then he tells me he's tired, so I say "Ok, go sleep." I head to facebook a couple of minutes later and see something he posted one second ago from this game called "Garden of Time." So the not-so-sane (or correct, I'm not sure which yet) part of my brain says "He didn't really want to sleep, he just didn't want to talk to you anymore. Anything was better than talking to you at that moment in time." and it wasn't said in a pleasant way, either. It's like... he didn't want to talk to me, but then he didn't want to go to bed, which is what he said he was going to do, either.

I'm very confused! He has suddenly become very busy as well, which tends to legitimately happen to people, but I've also seen it in hundreds of relationships (both real and fictional) ... when the man is no longer interested, he suddenly becomes too busy for anything the woman wants.  Women pull the same thing (I know, I've done it several times to distance myself from some particularly unsavory characters. Both real and fictional. [I mean in role plays.] )

HOWEVER, it could very well be my own damned mind playing tricks on me because I'm insecure in every single relationship I have, good or bad, romantic or not, due to all of the things that have gone wrong in my past. OR it could be the fact that at one point we were spending a crapton of time together and now that he legitimately has other important things to be doing my mind is going off the deep end, taking me with it. OR it's because I had these unreasonable expectations that are not getting met and cannot possibly be met because I'm not the fucking center of the universe. OR PERHAPS it's just me being a clingy, whiny, self-absorbed bitch. Hey, I'm not ruling it out... I can get that way a lot.

Don't get me wrong, I trust him with everything... everything I own, everything about me... my very life... except there's one thing that I have a very hard time letting go of because I"m just THAT subliminally afraid of being hurt: My own emotions. My heart. That is the quickest way to bring me to my knees, and everybody who knows me intimately knows that very well. He freaking owns my heart, with his name engraved on it, on a necklace. (It would be on a keychain if I would have thought to put it there...) ... I guess it's sort of hard for me to give it because, well, it's never really been given like this before. In past relationships, I only let people touch or hold my heart for moments. mere moments. The rest of it they were influencing it from the outside... This, this is different. I have given him my heart for the rest of my life... again, don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine with that, else it wouldn't have been done... and I'm not about to take it back, either. I would hurt, in my opinion, the most important person in the entire universe! Why would I go and do that?

But my point is, if others have broken my heart when they were trusted with it for mere moments, or broken it without even being able to TOUCH it... I don't know. It's like, in the back of my head there's this really REALLY tiny voice saying "if they broke your heart and gave you that much pain when they had so little of it, imagine the pain you're going to go through when Loki breaks it. You won't be brought to your knees, you'll be killed."

NOTE how that voice in my head says that. It doesn't say if. It doesn't even have an if IN THERE AT ALL... it's just "when." and that scares the ever living FUCK out of me. I don't think I could live without him at this point... he owns me, completely, and were that to happen I'd be a completely shattered being. I need him, and he knows it.

I think I need help. I've gone through this in EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD, and I'm tired of worrying and putting myself through hell, even if that tiny voice in the back of my head was right 98% of the time. It's only been wrong ONCE, and it was before I had met Loki. Call it an intuition of sorts (I am a chick after all...) but I want it to go away. I would rather live blindly than be able to predict that sort of shit coming from a mile away. It'd be a lot easier to deal with. and I know that Loki will be reading this at some point so he's going to be all "What have I done wrong? What did I not do for her?" and start questioning himself and that's not the purpose of this AT ALL... I am venting, crying, screaming at the screen because my own stupid brain won't leave me alone!

I finally find happiness. I finally find a really damn good reason to stay in this god-forsaken planet and cherish each moment, each breath, each blink of an eye: Loki, and his love for me... and then my mind goes and desecrates it, turning it into doubt and worry and pain by pointing out teeny tiny things of absolutely no consequence what so ever, and using them as evidence for this question: "Does he really love you like you think he does? Who could love YOU???" THIS is why I hate myself. THIS is why I wanted, for so many years, to just die - fall off the face of the planet, permanently, and just go to hell. (literally.) At least nobody would have to put up with me. Nobody would have to look at my ugly-ass face or see this hideous, decaying body of mine. I would suffer for everything I had ever done, for every breath I had ever taken... because that's what I deserve. MY OWN MIND is my worst enemy.  Yes there are people who would love to see me suffer, but if they could see what was going on in my own head... they'd be more than satisfied.

I'm also faced with a bit of a problem, now. He's going to read this. Which, I'm perfectly fine with him reading it, but at the same time I don't want him to. Why? Because I don't want his mind playing tricks on him too. We wouldn't have "ridiculous" levels of issues, we'd have "stupendously redonculous (Pronounced re-DONK-you-lus)" levels of issues. He'd start questioning himself and asking where he went wrong in the relationship, what he did that has made me act this way, and start looking for ways to change his normal behavior into something different. I don't want any of that for him. Plus if he goes that route (which I think his mind is probably going to drag him down) then I'm also going to feel horrible about the entire thing, feel guilty for even venting in any way shape or form, and start bottling everything up again until it just explodes and becomes this horrible horrible gigantic mess that nobody is ever fully able to clean up, EVER. But then when he reads that I'll feel bad if his mind plays tricks on him like that then he'll just bottle it up of his own will to try to spare me the guilt/extra pain, but then when his own emotional bottle-rocket explodes I'll want to fatally wound myself even more than I did ten minutes ago... and that's saying something.

I'm worried. I don't really know if I have cause to worry or not. My mind is making me think things that are really not pretty. I keep getting images of him pushing me away, both with his hands and with other actions. I keep getting this feeling of dread, and very slight echos of pain that some part of me thinks is coming very rapidly. No matter what I do I feel that I am never, EVER going to be good enough. Not for him, not for my family or friends, not even random people on the street. And because it feels like I'm never, EVER going to be good enough for ANYONE, it's really easy to believe that little voice in my head when he says "Nobody could ever truly love you. He's going to leave you. I'm surprised he put up with you and even HUMORED you for this long. He deserves a fucking medal, and he certainly deserves a million times better than you."

I have this burning need to please. If I can't do something exactly how it's wanted or needed, without being told, within a certain time frame, it hurts me emotionally. I didn't do it good enough. It doesn't matter how happy the person is with whatever it is I've done. I didn't do it good enough, and therefore I have failed at whatever it is I did for that person. It makes me less than a person. Not human. Different... ugly. Like... like not even the rejects want me. That's why I've forced myself to be so damn good at rolling with the punches, letting go, and not asking about what Loki's doing, where he is, or anything along those lines. That's the perfect girlfriend. I must be perfect for him. Not because he demands it, or even politely requests it. I want to give him perfection, and I am failing. Why? I'm still breathing. I flip out sometimes. I cry. I get hurt, emotionally and physically. I'm a klutz. I'm not mentally stable. I sometimes seriously doubt my own sanity! I'm not perfect because I'm still breathing.

I have a sometimes overwhelming fear of being left behind, thrown away like the garbage that I am or abandoned, and it makes me cling WAY too tight in certain situations. For example, right now I want to call Loki to talk, because it would re-assure me he isn't angry with me or wanting to leave me for someone better. I just got off the phone with him not a half hour ago. Or go over to his house and sit down with him, face to face, look him in the eyes and tell him everything contained in this venting session, and get on my knees and just beg him to not go anywhere, and apologize profusely for being such a fuck up and reject.

Because that's what I feel like nearly constantly. A fuck up. An undesirable THING that is definitely not human because it is just that ugly, inside and out. I feel like a waste of oxygen. Human beings could be using that oxygen to power their bodies and minds, therefore keeping brilliance in the world. Me? I'm that blob of unrecognizable stuff that you don't want to touch after throwing a HUGE party at your house. Everyone else? Amazingly beautiful creatures who deserve to be loved and cherished. I know I need help because Loki has said some really incredible things to me... about how I'm actually -beautiful- inside and out... and I keep hearing his voice in my head, saying it over and over... but no matter how many times I hear it, I can't believe it. My mind won't let me believe it...

I already think very poorly of myself, if you haven't guessed that already. Just... please don't think any less of me because of this. If any of the people I know personally want to run away screaming because they now realize just how crazy and unstable I really am, I'm not going to stop them. Don't get me wrong, I want every single one of the people who know me personally to stay in my life... but... if they want to go, who am I to stop them? Who am I, who has no worth, to warrant them sticking around? I'll just cry a lot and die a little inside for each of those cherished people I loose. But then again, why should anyone care?

May you be blessed in anything and everything that you do,
SNT